So last night episode six of “Come Dine With Me” aired here in South Africa.
A local version of the hit show on BBC Entertainment.

Guess who was one of the contestants?
A few months ago I filled out an application for what I thought was Masterchef.

My bad. Turns out I had applied for “Come Dine with Me” Mistake number one?

I got through a few rounds with the producers and thought…Why not. This could be fun.

I suggested we use my Motorhome instead of my flat in Vredehoek and this was met with much joy.. This was my second mistake. I just sold my house in Shittyfontein and was back at the flat in Vredehoek. I had furniture and shit everywhere. So no chance were we doing it at my place.

Cooking in the van was like trying to make dinner on a Submarine for a bunch of farty nazi’s. There was no space. I could hardly breathe, and the wind kept blowing the stove out and I thought I was going to end up blowing the poor girl up. Can you smell gas? Shit shit shit. Long story cut short. My food was shit. It really was. By shit I mean burned, foul, unappetising and mostly what appeared to be worm filled. That is correct. There was a worm in my Salmon starter. First of all the Salmon was pan fried beautifully. There was no worm from my side. Yes good people. It was sabotage. Full on match fixing skullduggery. 

Can I just say first of all, how proud I am right now of my Yorkshire puddings. They were the size of FIFA approved footballs. I will cook the meal again at home and ask friends their opinion. Previous trials had proved a total success. That meal works. It just needs to be done in a kitchen.

There was a man on the show with me. I say man. He was anthropomorphically more a mix between a sea dwelling walrus and something that was found on Star Wars. Jabba the Hut I believe is what I called him. This obese muppet with a breathing condition put an actual worm in my starter. Ja. I was trying to act calm on camera, but in later interviews I got quite bloody angry with the man. He was a twat out to get his 15 minutes of fame. Frankly he got it. But like the kak kind of fame. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to walk around the supermarkets etc, whilst everyone is sneering at you like a walrus with a learning condition. This is the first person I have ever met who snored while he was awake.

I have never hit a man. I wouldn’t have either. Many hundreds of tweets came through from folks saying that they would have belted him one. I wasn’t going to use violence. I am not that kind of man. I would have liked to have shot him with a paintball gun on his fat ass till welts stopped him taking a shit with any sense of comfort. I hope school kids smash eggs on his windshield daily and rub a mix of vaseline and sand into it.

A Cheat! A Vagabond! A douche’! You sir made a twat of yourself.
His name will be forever remembered as a cheat. Enjoy your 15 minutes. 

Poor Tamryn. I have nothing more to say here. She must appear as if she was a stooge. A plant. Surely she was paid money or something to cock her night up as she did. She wasn’t drunk. She appeared spiked. Like she administered her own Rohypnol.

Sadly it wasn’t Varsity RAG Week or a night at Tiger Tiger.

I did drink a fair bit too. But I am 37 and a most probably a functioning alcoholic. So it wasn’t really going to be an issue. Things got way way waaaaay worse behind the scenes. The film crew had to lock up her flat for her. I salute you Tamryn. You looked at this and just said “Fuck it. Im young and going to enjoy it” Good luck.

The lovely Debbie. Aah. I just couldn’t take that worm situation without a fight. I wanted Debbie to win anyway. Well I wanted to win, but my night was more dysfunctional than an ANC Youth League Whisky tasting social. She could have served me a fried egg and she would have won. Myself and Debbie had an alliance. An alliance based on her mostly wanting to pomp me I think. But I like Debbie. She was properly honest. Nothing to hide. The alter ego was a bit on the creepy side. But there was a shit ton of alcohol going on. So you must know. Myself and Captain Asthma were properly fighting by this stage. Then “Missy Prissy Mc Hotpants” started chirping in. When she commented that I wasn’t funny and how could I be a comedian, my response was simple. “She wasn’t intelligent, how could she be a teacher.”

After that, there were stages where Tamryn and I were put in separate areas as she wanted to throw her glass of wine over me. Ha. Thank God for sound engineers and their fear of a mic getting damaged. That put paid to her 1940’s movie style put down she had for me. I made her cry. I felt bad. But she said the exact same thing to me in her initial insult. So, yeah. No apologies. Take it. You dealt it.

Martin 1-0 Tamryn

But since. Ooh. We have made up. Not in a hanky panky kind of way. Tamryn came to see me perform at Rocking the Daisies and in my show with Rob Van Vuuren and she was very complimentary. So. See. Friends can also sort of fight. I have told her several times that I am not interested in having an affair. She seemed ok with this news.

At no point in the procedure was I ever forced to motorboat Debbie. Im not saying she wasn’t keen. But I think she had another idea for smuggling a worm somewhere.

For the record. I am not homeless. Thank you for the concern. I have a flat in Vredehoek that I have just purchased. Granted it is as small as my bloody van. It is being gutted and I get to move in January. My current work load has seen me travelling non stop since June. I am back in Cape Town over November with a run of my solo show

“Martin Evans and the Full Body Poes Klap”

Yes it is a cheeky name, It also goes by the name “FBPK” for those who kak a bit at the vulgarity of it all. But frankly. I have ceased to give a fuck. I won the “Standard Bank Ovation Award” for this show in 2011 at the National Arts Festival, and this is my first proper run of it since then. I am performing at the Kalk Bay Theatre from the 7th till the 25th of November.

On Monday nights I will also be doing a run of “Pants on Fire” the variety whatthefucktocallit show that we love doing. Tiny tiny room for a very intimate show. So its busy busy. Moving up to Joburg for a run at the end of December doing Parkers New Years Show. I will also be touring my solo show to Port Elizabeth on the 21 and 22 December. Just awaiting venue confirmation.

Come Dine was fun. Enter it at your own risk. Cook what you can, expect the production of it to make normal cooking border line impossible. Expect to make a friend and or enemy or two.

Twitter went mental last night. Trending topics, nasty tweets, harsh comments.

What a magical joy it was.

Follow us on twitter if you want.
Im at @hellpants

Debbie @debbiejustdoes

Tamryn @bieberstruckRSA 

Hebrew @fatwalrusmanwhocheatedandlookslikeadoos

 

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17 thoughts on “My experience on Come Dine With Me SA Episode 6

  1. You were hilarious, and always a gentleman, cudos to u for not handing out round house kicks cos that blob of human flesh aka Hebrew was a joke rolled in bacon fat just asking for a punch in the stomach!

    However, season 2 of Come Dine with me is pathetic and makes south africans look stupid, drunk, idiotic, gay, and not too mention ‘homeless’ and even though its something I thought I would love to be part of, the last few episodes have totally ended that fantasy

    But since seeing u, it has renewed my faith in people that comede, and will def be out to see ur show next month 🙂

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    1. thanks kindly
      (I think)
      I haven’t watched any of the other episodes. I have heard a bitch session or two on twitter…but I have steered clear of it. Not for reasons any other than not having DSTV. But yeah. Car crash television. After all the effort of the food….there was almost no element of it included. still. I can cook. Im not a douche’. thanks

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  2. Well written! I enjoyed your article, you certainly have a talent for writing and have been added to my reading list. Thank you for enlightening the audience to what happens behind the scenes of CDWM, without actually giving too much away.

    Your show was great, there were so many moments where I could just imagine what the crew were getting up to! I can just see them seperating you and Tamryn!

    Well done on not punching a maths teacher, people would have been bleak, despite what they say now, I agree he deserved it, but this way his 15 minutes of fame is more enjoyable. Oh and his twitter handle had tears running down my face from laughter, brilliant!

    I’ll see you at Kalk Bay theatre then 🙂

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  3. I thought “Come Dine with Me” was hilarious, but your commentary beat the show hands down!

    Shit, I think Tamryn and Jabba are going to be the 2 mortal straws that finally break the back of the camel that is our education system. Eish…

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  4. Saw that episode last night, I must say, you handled it VERY well. I mean, WTF?! He actually went as far as putting the worm in his mouth! Sick!

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  5. Tamrynn is a disgrace to young South African women and should be ashamed of her behaviour not all previlged young people behave like that.

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  6. Dude, I don’t know how you did it. I just watched this episode in Australia and it made me so frustrated that I had to see if I could find that fat jerk off online to personally tell him that he is an absolute c*** and ruined all of the nights. What made me even more happier was the fact that he didn’t win because you played it smart. Good job and I hope Jabba trips and falls on his fat head and cracks it.

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  7. hi Martin, by “the kak kind of fame’ – like Piers Morgan? You were great. And then there were three from mensa

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  8. Watching your episode for the third time… compulsive viewing! I am still morbidly fascinated and angry at Hebrew (an utter disgrace to teachers everywhere… His poor students!) and whatshername (luckily for children everywhere, she will NEVER be a teacher – it’s hard work). You came across as intelligent and hilarious. The other two remain blissfully ignorant (and proud?!?!?) like stupid people everywhere.

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  9. You also acted like a dick, thinking that you were so much better than Tamryn. The girl was nothing but nice to people and even though she can not cook, she tried her best. Judge her on her cooking, but to insult her the way that you did was really low. Hebrew is a real dickhead, but you came a close second.

    You thought that you were entering MasterChef. Ha ha.

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  10. Hey!!!! Found this online!!!

    You couldn’t get into the spirit of the show. I don’t get why you got so mad, kicking him out of your house. It woulda reflected so much better on you if you took it in stride. Accepted his apology and given him as good as he gave. You weren’t gonna win anyway, your night was disastrous. With or without the worm. You took yourself way too seriously. That being said, Hebrew was wrong. Several people have planted things in cheeky nature on CDWM, but not worms. That was way too gross.

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    1. Hi. You saw what was edited to be seen.
      Nobody was there except for us in it and the crew filming it. That is television. There was lots they didn’t show.

      Like

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