So last night episode six of “Come Dine With Me” aired here in South Africa.
A local version of the hit show on BBC Entertainment.
Guess who was one of the contestants?
A few months ago I filled out an application for what I thought was Masterchef.
My bad. Turns out I had applied for “Come Dine with Me” Mistake number one?
I got through a few rounds with the producers and thought…Why not. This could be fun.
I suggested we use my Motorhome instead of my flat in Vredehoek and this was met with much joy.. This was my second mistake. I just sold my house in Shittyfontein and was back at the flat in Vredehoek. I had furniture and shit everywhere. So no chance were we doing it at my place.
Cooking in the van was like trying to make dinner on a Submarine for a bunch of farty nazi’s. There was no space. I could hardly breathe, and the wind kept blowing the stove out and I thought I was going to end up blowing the poor girl up. Can you smell gas? Shit shit shit. Long story cut short. My food was shit. It really was. By shit I mean burned, foul, unappetising and mostly what appeared to be worm filled. That is correct. There was a worm in my Salmon starter. First of all the Salmon was pan fried beautifully. There was no worm from my side. Yes good people. It was sabotage. Full on match fixing skullduggery.
Can I just say first of all, how proud I am right now of my Yorkshire puddings. They were the size of FIFA approved footballs. I will cook the meal again at home and ask friends their opinion. Previous trials had proved a total success. That meal works. It just needs to be done in a kitchen.
There was a man on the show with me. I say man. He was anthropomorphically more a mix between a sea dwelling walrus and something that was found on Star Wars. Jabba the Hut I believe is what I called him. This obese muppet with a breathing condition put an actual worm in my starter. Ja. I was trying to act calm on camera, but in later interviews I got quite bloody angry with the man. He was a twat out to get his 15 minutes of fame. Frankly he got it. But like the kak kind of fame. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to walk around the supermarkets etc, whilst everyone is sneering at you like a walrus with a learning condition. This is the first person I have ever met who snored while he was awake.
I have never hit a man. I wouldn’t have either. Many hundreds of tweets came through from folks saying that they would have belted him one. I wasn’t going to use violence. I am not that kind of man. I would have liked to have shot him with a paintball gun on his fat ass till welts stopped him taking a shit with any sense of comfort. I hope school kids smash eggs on his windshield daily and rub a mix of vaseline and sand into it.
A Cheat! A Vagabond! A douche’! You sir made a twat of yourself.
His name will be forever remembered as a cheat. Enjoy your 15 minutes.
Poor Tamryn. I have nothing more to say here. She must appear as if she was a stooge. A plant. Surely she was paid money or something to cock her night up as she did. She wasn’t drunk. She appeared spiked. Like she administered her own Rohypnol.
Sadly it wasn’t Varsity RAG Week or a night at Tiger Tiger.
I did drink a fair bit too. But I am 37 and a most probably a functioning alcoholic. So it wasn’t really going to be an issue. Things got way way waaaaay worse behind the scenes. The film crew had to lock up her flat for her. I salute you Tamryn. You looked at this and just said “Fuck it. Im young and going to enjoy it” Good luck.
The lovely Debbie. Aah. I just couldn’t take that worm situation without a fight. I wanted Debbie to win anyway. Well I wanted to win, but my night was more dysfunctional than an ANC Youth League Whisky tasting social. She could have served me a fried egg and she would have won. Myself and Debbie had an alliance. An alliance based on her mostly wanting to pomp me I think. But I like Debbie. She was properly honest. Nothing to hide. The alter ego was a bit on the creepy side. But there was a shit ton of alcohol going on. So you must know. Myself and Captain Asthma were properly fighting by this stage. Then “Missy Prissy Mc Hotpants” started chirping in. When she commented that I wasn’t funny and how could I be a comedian, my response was simple. “She wasn’t intelligent, how could she be a teacher.”
After that, there were stages where Tamryn and I were put in separate areas as she wanted to throw her glass of wine over me. Ha. Thank God for sound engineers and their fear of a mic getting damaged. That put paid to her 1940’s movie style put down she had for me. I made her cry. I felt bad. But she said the exact same thing to me in her initial insult. So, yeah. No apologies. Take it. You dealt it.
Martin 1-0 Tamryn
But since. Ooh. We have made up. Not in a hanky panky kind of way. Tamryn came to see me perform at Rocking the Daisies and in my show with Rob Van Vuuren and she was very complimentary. So. See. Friends can also sort of fight. I have told her several times that I am not interested in having an affair. She seemed ok with this news.
At no point in the procedure was I ever forced to motorboat Debbie. Im not saying she wasn’t keen. But I think she had another idea for smuggling a worm somewhere.
For the record. I am not homeless. Thank you for the concern. I have a flat in Vredehoek that I have just purchased. Granted it is as small as my bloody van. It is being gutted and I get to move in January. My current work load has seen me travelling non stop since June. I am back in Cape Town over November with a run of my solo show
“Martin Evans and the Full Body Poes Klap”
Yes it is a cheeky name, It also goes by the name “FBPK” for those who kak a bit at the vulgarity of it all. But frankly. I have ceased to give a fuck. I won the “Standard Bank Ovation Award” for this show in 2011 at the National Arts Festival, and this is my first proper run of it since then. I am performing at the Kalk Bay Theatre from the 7th till the 25th of November.
On Monday nights I will also be doing a run of “Pants on Fire” the variety whatthefucktocallit show that we love doing. Tiny tiny room for a very intimate show. So its busy busy. Moving up to Joburg for a run at the end of December doing Parkers New Years Show. I will also be touring my solo show to Port Elizabeth on the 21 and 22 December. Just awaiting venue confirmation.
Come Dine was fun. Enter it at your own risk. Cook what you can, expect the production of it to make normal cooking border line impossible. Expect to make a friend and or enemy or two.
Twitter went mental last night. Trending topics, nasty tweets, harsh comments.
What a magical joy it was.
Follow us on twitter if you want.
Im at @hellpants