Sometimes I think I am getting more mature. That would make sense since I am getting older.
I have often done things that I have regretted. Things that I could have fixed. Things that I could have handled more appropriately.
Two years ago. At least I think that is when it happened. I broke up with the girl I was engaged to.
Strange thing is that I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t depressed. I was just angry.
I have had two week flings before that have left my heart in tatters. Sometimes it is not the length of the relationship that leaves you hurting. I have found it has hurt more to have not had the chance to try out all matters of the heart before a relationship sours.
I did try in this case. But I was just depleted and done.
Now nobody wants to be an arsehole just out of spite. Well most folks don’t. To me the easiest way to handle the breakup was to essentially not be in any form of contact or communication. Out of sight. Out of mind.
Easily done. But Cape Town is not enormous. This isn’t London or New York.
The worst thing that I think you could do post-break up is try and be this amazing person. To almost try and show your ex, just how amazing you actually are.
I used the time since I was with her to be single. Not like I planned it. But it worked for me. Some folks need to be in relationships. I find them utterly confusing. Stifling and frankly not really suited to me.
Is that because i’m selfish? probably.
Am I a difficult person to be in a relationship with? Probably again.
I love my single life. Being lonely isn’t a choice. I have been even more lonely in some points in relationships than I have been when single.
Yesterday, I got invited to a function at Heart FM yesterday. I at first thought I was being pranked. The email that come through had the title “Come meet the dj’s”. I thought to myself. Someone there hasn’t worked out that I used to be in a relationship with their drive host.
Having not spoken to her for two years, I was quite enjoying the silence. I am not wanting her to have a bad time or anything. I just don’t really feel the need to be part of her life in any way. And I sure she feels the same.
But I thought to myself. What If I don’t go. Just because i’m trying to avoid her. Why would I go to such efforts to hide away from someone, when it would be so much easier to just meet up. Say hello, break that ice and move on.
So that is what happened.
We spoke. We had a good chat.
We discussed how we have both seen so much more success in our careers since we split. If I hadn’t been single, I would not have been able to undertake so many gigs and missions and what not. I would not have certain people in my life now.
I relaxed. I actually enjoyed the moment.
Sometimes you just have to man the fuck up a bit.
Seeing someone who was in your life needn’t be such a ball ache. I guess its easy enough to say because frankly I would class myself as happy right now. Or content. Or whatever.
But i’m not the dick head I was. Nor will I probably be again.
Thanks Keri. That was cathartic.