“Rants with Pants” podcast is up on iTunes and Podomatic.

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What a skiddle. Trying to get wordpress to link up to a podcast. Then trying to find a host that allows you to post multiple episodes without paying more than a gym contract a month.  So here we are.  Finally able to post on iTunes.I have recorded many podcasts over the years.  Most of which have never been released online.  I will be releasing a mix of vintage podcasts and newer episodes.  At the moment it might be a bit haphazard.  But give it a few weeks and I think i will find my stride.I need to ask a favour though. Would you please take a listen, subscribe, share and write a little review for me?  Thank you. That will really help get this going.

Rants with Pants Podcast

Gentlemen. Being fingered in the arse could save you!


I DO NOT HAVE CANCER.  Please, this isn’t a panic. Nor is it about me.

This is not what this post is about. It is however about stopping for a moment to consider the implications that not taking the right care of your body could mean. By care, I mean considered and informed understanding of what we are going through physically.I will be 43 years old in July. I am most certainly a candidate for checking up on my manly bits to see if everything is in order. It is simple enough to do and it saves lives.  I know how difficult the world would be without me. So I got it checked out.

Now whatever is the core reasoning behind men not talking about their health issues is a strange one. I don’t there are many men who would have an iota of an issue talking about the massive dump they took that morning. But the mere hint or suggestion that someone might have a finger up their asshole and suddenly everyone is a prude from the 1800’s.

I will be honest with you. The idea of being probed did leave me a little uncomfortable. It wasn’t so much about the asshole getting a good old fingering. It was as much an issue of the pure embarrassment of having some dude or lady-dude who, let’s be honest, this isn’t an ideal set-up, give you a bit of a one-two up your jacksie’ as you lay vulnerable on some doctors bed.

An ex-girlfriend took a great level of pleasure in knowing that I was due to have a check-up for my prostate. It wasn’t that she found it amusing. I think she just wanted to see me violated and uncomfortable. She wasn’t the most sympathetic type. But perhaps it was some nod to the fact that women see no issue with going to the gynae for regular tests and checks.

I approached my GP with a solemn and mature outlook and booked an appointment. I told him that my dad, my granddad etc. had both had prostate cancer in their 60’s. Here I am in my early 40’s and certainly a candidate for this check. I was ready to offer my arse up in submission.

I was told in no uncertain terms, that there are newer tests for that kind of stuff these days. Accurate tests. Simple tests., Even though a finger up your arse is about as simple as it gets.

Get it done son.

We have lost far too many good men from the simple issue of unnecessary shame and being a “boytjie”.

Go get off your arse and get a finger up it. Or go get the newer tests. Or get your partner to ram a digit up there someday. Who knows, it might save your life. Or give you a little death.

So what can you do? Other than get yourself checked out.  You can like, share and let more men learn that every GP out there is your  “Guynae.   Follow Guynae on Facebook and Twitter  for more info.

 

New tools for an old one.

Sometimes you need to do without in order to appreciate.
I sold my laptop six months ago. It wasn’t capable of doing the video editing I wanted to do and I got rid of it.  I figured I still had a tablet.  How hard could it be?

Well, hard is the answer.  Unless your sole intention to be online is on social media sites.  To type, to research and really be able to make a plan, well that needed me to get another computer.

So this blog will be getting a bit of an overhaul for 2018 and a lot of regular content.
I have run out of excuses as to why I am not working. It isn’t for the lack of equipment at this stage.

Rants with Pants Episode 5

Still no joy. Still no effing joy at getting this thing to submit and verify with iTunes.

Do I give up? No.
Do I have to fork out money?  Yes.

Recorded in my car on my way to my buddy Gareth Allison’s house for his internet wisdom and skills. Sadly it’s still not resolved.

Anyway.  This is a more optimistic post than yesterday.  The benefits of your imagination online. Thanks for listening.  Again, I appreciate any follows, shares and feedback.

thanks
Martin

Rants with Pants Episode 4

Feeling like shit today. So I just recorded this from the flat.
The banging in my head is made worse by the building site across from me and their flamboyant use of loud tools.  This is a shout out to MyCiti bus services. You suck. So so much.

Thank you for the feedback so far folks.  All comments and listens appreciated.

Rants with Pants Episode 3

I went for a little wander down to the shops and pretty much just spoke to myself like a madman.

Anyway. Here is episode three. Essentially me just moaning about Uber eats and home security.

I tried posting this from my phone and tablet earlier. Didn’t work.  In the process of getting home, I ended up in an argument with. Hang on. That’s tomorrow’s episode.

Lunch time #Epicburger #meatfreemovember @frysfamily #Frysfamily

This has been a bleak year for many people. It certainly has been one of change for me. I have to say however that my changes have mostly been from a positive space. Ive been giving my future prospects some attention recently and there has been some fantastic response there. 2016 couldn’t be looking any rosier.

Ive’ only got a minute here to spare today. Here is what I am throwing together for my #MeatfreeMovember #FrysFamily #Epicburger.

That’s a lot of hashtage. But this was lovely.

AND QUICK.

I made two types. Firstly I fried up the Meat Free Traditional burgers for about 8 mins. Threw in a a bit of red onion. I had some tasty cheese rolls with some fancy chutney on them. I had a bag of nice mixed herbs and made a base.  On one of the burgers, I have added beetroot chutney that is delicious. On the other one a really tasty tomato pickle. Spicy but just delicious.I thought I would throw a fried egg on top of one as well.

Downsides? The egg burst it’s yolk on my nice shirt

Burger-meal

A few lifestyle changes may be required.

If my body was a car, I would probably fail the roadworthy.

I think the need to make changes is something that you often are just a part of. Make changes or feel ill all the time.  I say this like I have some sort of idea of what being fit really is. Frankly if I haven’t seen it on youtube, it probably hasn’t happened. All I do know is that my current ways are not working out so great.

Been about 50 days now. Been going to gym regularly, been working to fix my range of motion on my shoulder and things are looking good. Other than a few glasses of wine over the month, I have managed to remain alcohol free for at least 40 days now.

I spoke about a change of diet on Cape Talk 702 last week about #MeatFreeMonday #MeatFreeMovember and what kind of changes you guys are facing.  Folks have been sending me a whole range of recipes and suggestions.  I think my body has been asking for it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5gV7fxr3rI

 

Giving the #MeatFreeMovember tacos with quacamole a try.

I have been working hard all day. I wasn’t really in the mood to spend too much time in the Kitchen. But I managed to throw this together in about 35mins.

20151110_205710
It’s pretty simple.

Take one box of the Fry’s Meat Free Mince.

Add a chopped onion, some green pepper, some garlic,  half a teaspoon of paprika and about a quarter or cumin, and gently fry that all up. Add the Fry’s Meat Free Mince and cook away. After it was all browned, I added the tomato paste.  I took a photo of the ingredients that I used.

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The quacamole was really simple.

Took 2 large avocados. (nice and ripe) and added coriander and chilli and two tomatoes  with one chopped onion and salt and pepper with some lime juice from half a lime. Mashed them up all up with a fork and was sorted. (Sounding like Jamie Oliver here).

The salsa was just 250g of tomato finely chopped with more onion and more chilli. I used the rest of the lime juice here along with the remaining coriander.

The taco shells just took a few minutes under the grill to warm up and it was ready. Spooned the meat free filling into the warm taco shells and covered with guacamole and salsa.  Delicious. I think this was my favourite meal so far.

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Day two of a #MeatfreeMovember with a vegan twister wrap.

Snacks. Nothing too heavy.
I am the kind of guy who does impulse buy. Sneaky eating is no joke.

I have been very aware of my state of temptation. But I have done well.
I no longer linger in the queue by the cashier. Nope. I move on by. No more sweets.

I have been giving my cardio training more attention than it has ever received before. I am looking to limit my carb intake in due course, but I have allowed myself a tortilla wrap and some hummus on it too. I used the Frys Family meat-free pops for this and made a rather tasty twister-esque snack that was delicious.  To jazz it up, I just added some some lettuce, some carrot and some red pepper and tomato from the fridge.

#MeatfreeMovember is the challenge. Im getting nutrients without cruelty. Unless you consider the carnage a soya bean goes through.

After this, its off to the gym anyway.

IMG_6342SMall

Im going to try #MeatfreeMovember along with @frysFamily

I was once a vegetarian.

It didn’t last too long. It was more a flirtation with it in College.

I went along to a few Hare Krishna meetings at the University and frankly I enjoyed the free lunch.

I was twenty and I enjoyed embracing my hippie side as well as food that cost nothing.

I remember trying to tell my elderly Welsh grandparents from a farming background that I was vegetarian. They completely understood.  What they understood about vegetarianism was that I should get extra portions of veggies with my roast chicken, pork and turkey that they had prepared.

Over the years I have grown what I can almost embarrassingly say, is accustomed to really great food.  Cape Town ticks all the boxes for food. From great markets to top class eateries. We really are quite spoiled. Someone new to Cape Town would be hard pressed to make a dent in trying to eat at all our restaurants. There are just too many, leaving you with the delight of being able to discover something new gastronomically almost constantly.

But herein lies the issue. It almost gets boring. Your palate soon adjusts to this constant bombardment of tastes and textures and we have grown to be rather bored of such a choice. I know. It sounds mad doesn’t it.

Another catch of the constant wining and dining in the Cape. (or indeed many other parts of the country) is that the cost of eating out, albeit tiny compared to overseas, it’s a lurking beast on the credit card.  I cannot think of a day when I do not start the morning with a flat white, followed by at least one to two more in a day. That alone is like a R60 coffee habit daily. I do not want to know what I have been spending at restaurants. 

I have a perfectly lovely apartment in the city with my awesome girlfriend. I suggested to her that we should consider eating a bit more at home. A bit more “prepared from scratch” whenever possible, and to consider what we eat and the impact of it a bit more. We have been able to watch on the smart TV a mix of documentaries from a variety of topics. Many of which food related.
I think its hard to see how we are impacting the planet, when all we see are full shelves at the supermarkets. Everything wrapped up cling film and polystyrene as we just imagine meat to be.

See here is my dilemma. I am not a vegetarian. I am not a vegan.  I eat meat.

So what is the bad parts of it then? To me it is the living and eventually dying conditions of the animals. I have no objection to people who live in rural environments who slaughter their own cattle and foul.  They have developed a relationship with that animal. They fed it, tended it, and eventually they consumed it. I have no issue with this. But what If I lined up all the chickens I ate in 2015 in a row. How much work and effort would I have to put in to raise that many animals. We only see what we consume in tiny daily portions. We never see it stacked up.

Ive been really unhealthy over the past few years. Im Forty. This is life.  Compounded on our great food situation and a life that led me straight to the watering hole, I really needed to make a change of lifestyle now. Not on the 1st of January after that last festive braai, or after Wednesday because of that friends birthday, or maybe Monday because its been a heatwave.  You know the excuses. I have them all. I tore my bicep and rotator cuff back at the end of last year. It didn’t’ heal well. It was improved to the point where I could use it again, then I shot a commercial for the Netherlands where I had to do a bunch of “pull-ups” in the park. The number of pull ups was stupid. Especially for a fat man with a bad shoulder.  Needless to say it buggered it up good and proper and I had to get it sorted. I figured that my shoulder had improved and my time for excuses about my personal fitness were at a level that needed immediate addressing.

I got a few recommendations from some industry friends about what to do and who to see. I was introduced to Bruce Benjamin. A fitness professional who trains up some of the well known musicians, actors and presenters here in Cape Town. He is regularly on the tell with his training stuff. He has me working out in a way to strengthen my shoulder and to work around my issues to get me fit. This includes learning to box. Something I have wanted to do for a while, Im also chuffed to say that my shoulder is now strong enough to throw a punch or two in a sparring session.  Im loving it.

With being active, came a total rethink of how I eat. Im going from never going to do any sort of physical training, to going to the gym 5-6 times a week and cycling every day in between.

I had to drop a few things. Namely alcohol, sugar and as many unnecessary carbs as possible. 
Protein shakes and lots of water.  Lets see where this takes me. Im already stronger and leaner and looking forward to being fit. Finally. For the first time in my life.  At 40.

I need to eat well at this time. I figured I would give #plantpower some thought.

I was approached by the folks at @Frysfamily to consider doing a promotion with them.  They asked if I would be interested in trying to make a seven meals of a mix of their vegan and vegetarian products, but with a twist.  So it would be jazzing up the burgers, doing something exotic with the “Prawn-less Teriyaki Stir Fry” to making Vegetarian Twister Wraps and salads with the “Meat Free Pops”.

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Im going to try and see what I can adapt in my diet.  Over the next few days I will post up a few pics of the meals I have knocked together during the month of November. It’s #MeatFreeMovember. I will show a few of the recipes that I used to make something that has good quality ingredients, and is meat free.

Not just on Mondays.

If you have any tips or suggestions for how you have changed or are changing your eating habits. Let me know. There seems to be a million voices of opinion out there.  Next month, I am going to be doing a bunch of my greens by juicing. For now, I haven’t got just my palate to impress. The girlfriend needs to enjoy it all too!

Are you a Comedian? Then tell us a joke.

Ah comedy. She has always been my first love.

Funny isn’t about jokes in my world. Sure, they play a part in it but to me, real humour exists in stories, life and truth. When you tell someone you are in the comedy business it can elicit a bunch of responses from people. To be honest, most of them are positive.

The one thing I have learned to deal with over the years is essential in the journey of a comedian… If you cannot ‘shake it off’ then I fear you are in the wrong industry.

I have never been a doctor, or a plumber, or a policeman. I wonder what happens when they meet a stranger. Does the stranger say to the doctor, “Are you a doctor? Prove it, fix some disease or something”. Do folks ask a plumber they’ve just met, “So boet, you tuning me that you are a plumber? Nah, you can’t be. Go and fix my toilet, then I will believe it”. It just doesn’t make sense that folks think some jobs need to be justified. I would never walk up to a cop and say, “Officer? Really? Prove it. Go and arrest that man over there”.

People are always using my job as a method to test me – to prove it. “Are you a comedian? Prove it, make me laugh!”

Trying to sum your career up with a few chosen words… Not easy. Not fun. Not fair. I normally ask them if they would like to hear a few words from my set, which of course, they say yes to.

It’s at that point I go, “I have been Martin Evans, goodnight” and walk away briskly.

It may not be funny but I wasn’t kidding. It’s from my set. It’s about all I can do to ‘shake it off’.

That would be the worst thing ever. But it gets worse. Normally the same folks who ask you to prove that you are comedian will also be the first people to volunteer to tell you a joke. Not a good joke. Not a funny joke. Not an original joke either.

Normally it will be something you last heard twenty years ago in the school grounds when some racist, ignorant kid was spouting off some rubbish they heard from their uncle… “Ja boet, you can use that in your set. You owe me now, hey!”

Stop it. Stop the nonsense.
Please, I beg you all

nonsenseman

I bought one of those fold up bikes. Why? Because people cannot be trusted.

Folks are always going on about “going green” and saving the environment.

I have always suggested that we need to “stop the nonsense” when it comes to polluting our lovely planet.

I live in Cape Town. Some folks are quite negative about his place. I call it jealousy. You can call it what you want. But we have a small space in the city bowl and there isn’t a great deal of room for cars and parking.

So to combat this, I ride a bicycle.  This city is made for it. We have the Cape Town Cycle race here as well.  Something like 40 000 people take part in a ride that is over 113kms in length. So you can understand that people take riding bikes here quite seriously. 

I bought one of those folding bikes. You know the kind. It is the kind of bike that whilst being totally practical it is also totally ridiculed.  Everyone in SA rides for pleasure, not to commute. So people go off and spend like nine gazillion Rand on road bikes and mountain bikes that cost more than the GDP of Zimbabwe.  Me? I have my trusty folding steed.  But why a folding bike?  

There are many reasons. One of which is simple. I can fold it up and take it indoors with me.  This is South Africa, I could write a whole blog post on how many bikes I have had stolen over the years. I keep this thing attached to me at all times.  Why?  People cannot be trusted.  I just fold it up and push it along with me.  Some people have thought that I was unpacking and folding up a wheelchair, but no. It is just a fancy bike.  Also, being the fat and lazy man that I am, I can just as easily stick in the back seat or the boot of a friends car. I am no fool. If I can grab an easy ride in a car, just you watch me.  Unpacking the bike and folding has left some folks, particularly the homeless thinking I have just performed a magic trick. It is quite good fun I must admit.

Living where I am, it is actually quicker to cycle to the Cape Town Comedy Club, than it is for me to walk. So I ride.  I am ready for the bumps in the road, I am ready for the traffic and drivers that you just know will treat you like you are made of the of invisible ghost dust.  I am no fool. It is dangerous out there. I take my safety seriously. I have the helmet, the reflective gear, the various bike lights, and I make sure I use the cycle paths are all over this fine city. Sadly, nobody explained to all the trucks and drivers out there that there is a point to the cycle paths. That point of course being, THAT THEY ARE FOR BICYCLES.  So in an attempt to use them, you are forced to ride along your special little track, then veer into the main road and avoid being made into a flat white, much like the tasty hot beverages.   Someone in the city council needs to “Stop the nonsense”.  Cycle paths have if anything, made riding a bike more dangerous.

But by far the hardest part of riding a folding bike in Cape Town, its not the hills and the steep climbs and arriving sweaty.  It is not the fear of a truck not seeing you, no.  The hardest part of it all is being spotted by your friends and the hollering out of their office windows or cars or whatever as you ride down the road.  Looking like a dodgy Pacific Blue Bike Cop.

There is no coming back from that.

Please. Someone. Anyone. Just stop the nonsense. Now cycling may be difficult in Cape Town. But if you live in Johannesburg and you cycle you will need more than a bike. You will need medical aid and possibly a session at the Psychiatrist.

stop

Fat unmotivated man turns 40 and you won’t believe what he does next.

Clickbait.

Or is it?  I just turned 40.

40 years of doing what I can consider my own thing. How many of those years have been wasted I wonder?

I would hate to be one of those people that has an existential crisis just due to an age, but I think at the end of the day we are all subjecting ourselves to a series of standards and and controls that we feel we need to meet and exceed.

Am I happy?
-yes.

Am I stimulated?
-yes.

Could I be doing more with my life?
-again yes.

But here lies the issue.  What are the measuring sticks that we should be using to judge our success or failure.

Ok the failure ones are easy. We are all far too quick to see our own faults before our personal victories, but again, what am I judging myself against.

Maybe I need to use a car metaphor.  We all start our as standard factory fitted equipment.
Some of these cars over the years will turn out to be better investments than others. We cannot all be top of the range luxury German automobiles, but some of us, we take car of the chassis, we service the moving parts, we store ourselves in garages, some of us have taken the car off road and said “to hell with the consequences”

-you get the idea.

So what does 40 mean to me?
Should I have the house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 children going to private school?  Should I have investments and mortgages and medical aids that cost ten grand a month?

Possibly.

For every time I look at another persons lot, I need to remember that people are looking back..  For every moment I have failed, there are equal moments that I have succeeded (well to a degree without a degree at least).

Here is what I need to do at this juncture in my life.  I need to just keep doing what I have been doing. Maybe with a touch more direction because c’mon.  Nobody is perfect yeah.

But I am comfortable, and I am well set to make the next 40 years (That is a mix of a very long time and equally just around the corner) go rather well. But I also wonder about change.  I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do at 20, by 30 I had started, and now here at 40, I am wondering where the next change will come from.

Does growing older mean growing up?

Let’s see what 50 will be like.

Jim Jefferies Live in South Africa.

Some comics just get it right. Jim has been doing just that for years now.
I first got the chance to gig with him back in the UK in 2006 and loved his work.

I prefer my comics to say it as it is. Jim does just that.

Jim shot to prominence over a bloody youtube clip of him being punched. Granted it didn’t make him funnier, but it did make him famous.

A million of hits later and it certaily cemented some notoraity for a man who was going on to bigger things. Anyway, he moved to the USA a few years ago and has since seen his career skyrocket with his own show “Legit”

He has a string of specials and one-man shows out there too.

  • Jim Jeffries: Hell Bound: Live at The Comedy Store London – Released: 2008
  • Contraband – (5000 limited editions) Released: 10 November 2008 (UK Home Video)
  • I Swear to God – Broadcast: 16 May 2009; Released: 13 October 2009 (US Home Video)
  • Alcoholocaust – Released: 8 November 2010 (Comedy Central UK DVD)
  • Fully Functional – Release: October 2012
  • Bare – Release: 29 August 2014 (Netflix)

Jim has toured South Africa in the past, where I got the chance to open for him here in Cape Town.

He will be back soon with his brand new shop “Freedumb” and will be at the Grand Arena at Grand West Casino and at The Globe at Silverstar.

Jim Jefferies Freedumb SA 2015
I had a quick interview with Jim on Cape Talk/702 a few weeks ago.  Catch the interview here.

I have a few double tickets to give away.
Two double tickets for the shows at Silverstar and at Grand West.

In order to win, you need to comment on the blog at the bottom with the answer to the following question, along with your location (Jhb or Cape Town).

“What was the name of Jim Jefferies American Television show”

Answers below and the winners will be announced on Wednesday 22 July 2015.  The winners will be selected randomly for the reply’s.

Good Luck!

You know what gets on my nerves? #Stopthenonsense

You know what gets on my nerves?

Talent shows.  Not the kind of talent shows where we find the next dog that can bark the word “strawberries” in a French accent, whilst wearing a tutu.  No. I mean those pompous “lets find the next pop star” kind of shows.

You know the type. The formula is pretty simple. Take three or four judges of various dubious talents themselves and stick them on a panel, to pick away at the dreams of a demented farmer from Limpopo who queued overnight in Polokwane, or some Hairdresser with dreams over and above cutting fringes for the next thirty years.

Yes, there have been instances where talented individuals have come forward and shown the world that they are amazing and deserve our money and focus. But really. When did the public become involved with breaking the next new artist. When did becoming the “next big thing” be all about queuing up for hours to get a few minutes to show the judges that you are the boss?

I remember when the first of these shows came out. Suddenly there was two. Then three, then thirty. Syndicated world wide, with hours and hours and hours of schmaltz to deal with. But what gets me….is how they make the money on these shows.

Right. Here is contestant A from “Where-ever-ville”  If she doesn’t get through to the second round. Her mother may have a heart attack. FOLKS.. It is up to you now to vote for them via SMS.  Oh at a cheeky couple of rand each.  So not only do we tell the management who we like the most. We pay the money that gets the artist through to the next round, AND at the same time, making the producers of these shows who are already rich, so much richer that it actually starts to break society.

Oh I just don’t get it.  We need to #StopTheNonsensenonsense

The cycle lanes in Cape Town are a joke.

Seriously though. The cycle lanes just don’t work in Cape Town. Since there is no parking in the first place, all the cars and delivery vehicles just double park on the lines, forcing the cyclists to have to ride into middle of the road anyway….If anything, the cycle paths have made matters almost worse.

On Adderley St the bike lanes are often filled with flower sellers.

I just think a good idea needs more work.