Category: Bloody Transportation

So this is actually happening. Shitting myself now.

I havent’ posted a blog in quite a while.  Not since I posted some whining comment about how undervalued I feel in society.  Oh woe is me. 

I guess I was just feeling the nerves of going on this big adventure.  I arrived in the UK nearly three weeks ago. The plan being to get myself on some sort of adventure.  I knew I wanted to go to the States.  But I hadn’t worked out a plan.

I guess I still havent.

I am sitting in the airport right now. Waiting for my first of quite a few flights.  I will be going to Amsterdam this evening.  Spend the day walking around the museums and galleries. I spent a good bit of time over here 20 years ago when I finished school.  Im going to visit an old (she isn’t old) school friend in Rotterdam who is part of the team of architects working on the new airport.  

I fly into Los Angeles on Tuesday.  From there, I guess I dont realy have much of a plan.  I have rented a car.  In a cliched way, I think its a mustang convertible (for the first three days at least) then I will start to budget quite heavily and see how far my limited funds will carry me.

I wil be doing one thing that I must admit to being very excited about.  I have rented a brand new RV.  One of those big american things. I pick it up from the factory where it has been made.  It is brand new. Nobody has used it before. My job is to then get it to Las Vegas in nine days.  Should be a blast.  I havent a clue what kind of weather I can or will be able to expect.  It  could vary from fairly warm to freezing cold with blizzards.  im hoping not.  But it should see me driving across the country and visiting a lot of old friends.

This folks is my mid life crisis.

I cannot wait.

Entertainers who brand their cars. oooh how they do make me laugh……

I think one of the most embarrasing things on this planet, must be having to drive around town with your name on your car. Showing the world what it is you do. I have always been weary of anything used to “sell yourself”

Granted it could be a fairly affordable way of making sure the people out there, “know who you are” but what are they really saying about you. I wonder just how many people would book an act based on having seen them in the traffic. Considering how I have driven in the past. I would probably do more to damage a brand than I would to attract business.

Still…Maybe I am being the arse here. But when I see a self-branded vehicle…I giggle like im ten years old and somejust farted whilst saying the word penis.

Here are some local example I have seen and or photographed. IF you find any more…please do send them to me.


Taking a trip to the gig in style

20111029-164600.jpg
I was performing at the Caledon Casino and Spa this weekend with Kurt Schoonraad and KG. Was a fun gig that indeed.

We took the trip down there in Kurt’s 1970 Camaro. Lovely car. Made sounds that gave my bottom rattles and my kidney’s a good flushing. Gig went rather well. I drank far too much. So much so, that I couldn’t even face being in the Camaro on the way home. I was too hung over for a muscle car trip with the star of “skeem” No. for the trip back, I took the easy route of a ride in KG’s Polo. A vehicle far more befitting a man needing a good hooch.

Introducing my new baby to the world. She may have seen a few parents before, but i will love her like one of my own.

1980 VW Kombi Autovilla
This is my new baby.  She will be moving to my new home for her shortly.

I put in an offer for a 1980  VW Kombi Autovilla.  It is in mint original condition and I cannot wait to break down in exotic locations with her.

With so many festivals and events this year that im either working at or attending, I thought about getting a little van to save the hastle and strife of camping into a more secure….warm….and bloody cool vehicle.

Gone are the days of flat cell-phone batteries, gone are the days of longing for the simple pleasure of a hot cup of coffee.  Yes.  This wee beastie is going to make me a happy man.


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I heartily look forward to the World Cup. Especially if its fairly quiet.

The roads are nearly done.

The years of waiting in traffic and watching monuments to FIFA’s ego and perhaps our ignorance has been entralling and something special.

Then again, so was being in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina.

But if the expected masses do not arrive.  At worst we are not exactly losing that much money.  We are well in debt for the event, but at the cost of an upgraded infrastructure as well as  a massive tourism boost for the long term, rather than over a single month.

I kind of have a bit of an issue with crowds at the best of times.  Since I got injured, I have had to be even more careful about not getting my leg knocked.  If the crowds that were predicted do not arrive in South Africa, well I will not be overly worried.  If greed was people’s motive.  Sorry for them.  If they are generally screwed because of bigger business like “Match” making a mess of the bookings.  I hope they get sued big time.

But if the hotels are quiet.  The airports not packed, The games just right.. I think it could be ideal.  Im not saying we are not ready to have a crack at an event like this.  But I will be most surprised to see how it is handled overall
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Grahamstown festival is running over the world cup.  This will go one of two ways.  Really well or shit.  Time will tell.  I do hope it does well.  It has been extended to run over 15 days now.   Either way.  Its a bloody big month for South Africa.  I hope everyone is happy and enjoys this major event.  Lets not panic over the smaller facts.  Lets keep it crime free and pleasant.

A part of me does breathe easier with the prospect of not being completely over run with people.

Im so tired of stupid bloody questions….

I can hardly be accused of not enjoying a conversation.
The leg for all its negative impacts has introduced me to more people than I have ever met in my life.

Utter strangers somehow feel no issue with coming up and asking me what happened.  Whilst im pretty much happy to answer and engage in conversation with most folk.  There are questions that are personal.  There have been questions so stupid that my inner need to be sarcastic has to be holstered and tethered.  No matter how inquisitive I am regarding other people.  I dont think there is a single occasion in my life where I have stopped a stranger and quizzed them regarding their physical issus.  Scuse´me sir.  Why is your arm missing.  Thats a really bad burn dude, where else is it?  What happened to your face? Just today alone, I must have had at least a minimum of 30 people utter the more stupid of questions.  It happens every day. 

¨Did it hurt dude?¨  
Ïs it sore?¨

 I grow a little bloody weary of it.

I had a busy day wandering around shopping centres, sorting out a few issues.  I cancelled a contract here, opened one there.  Just by downgrading my mobile phone contract I saved over R5000 a year.  Mental waste of money.  My bank charges last year was in the several bloody thousands.  What the Hell is all that about.

My morning was started with a rousing 6:30am rise.  I was at the Somerset Hosptital this morning for a montly check up on my leg.  I have been second guessing the Doctors every bloody time I go there. 

Will they be removing it this time??
Everytime I have been wrong….12 weeks healing time?  My arse..

When I was in hospital, the one young intern/newbie doctor said that I was looking at approximately 12 weeks healing time with the ex-fix in my leg. Major life lesson so far.  Do not take anyone´s word as the final say.  Ever.  Unless you are a bit thick and genereally , incapable of ration thought.  If I listened to the specialists that impace my daily life, from film and media through to bloody surgeons and mechanics etc, I think I would have been seriously screwed all my life.  Its hard to trust specialts when everyone has a different story, opinon belief etc. 

Today was the start of the 19th week of recovery.  That is a long time.  Thats like three years in a dogs life.
The Doctors said I had at least another month to go.  Im not really phased about it.  I would much prefer if it was out, Im in no rush, its simple removal doesnt mean its fixed.  I want them certain, not rushing to get it out.  They did however loosen up some of the bolts.  This now means I am walking with considerably more pressure on the tibia than before. 

Once it comes out, Im still going to have to deal with some other issues.  Like the four bloody holes that will be going from my bone through the skin.  The pins will be removed, which will create a  series of stress points where it will be easy to fracture the leg.  Hmm.  So the chances are I will be in an old fashioned plaster of paris cast…Unless I get one of those fancy moon boots made up for me.

I kinda felt strange in the hospital today.  There was nobody in the Ortopaedic ward with an Ex-fix.  At one point I could see it scared a young girl who had just recently broken her leg.  I chatted with her and told it that it wasn´t sore and that she will be fine soon too.  My X-rays showed that my leg was healing up quite nicely.  But seeing the extent of the shattering kinda surprised me.  Its only as its healing up can I really see what kind of mess it is.  Its a mess.  But sweet jesus….you just watch me.  I will be fine and sorted all in good time.
Either way.  Its not going anywhere for a wee while still.  The healing is going ahead fine. thought.  I just look forward to a  cracking nights sleep without hooking it on the bedding on mattress.

Im bloody ready for it.  The only problem is that I was really looking forward to a World Cup where I wasnt in this thing.  I will be, and for the Grahamstown Festival, And For Opskop.  It also impacts when I can go on tour.  I was hoping to be In Joburg but will not have to be back for the next appointment.  Bugger

In the meantime, I think I can more than handle doing the stand up comedy.  Its not that taxing on the leg.  It is however hurting the liver.

Im closing tonight at Zulas in Long Street with Tshepo Mogale hosting.  On Friday I will be at the Cape Farmhouse in Scarbourgh with Rob Van Vuuren who is just back from a couple of weeks molesting the plants and animals of the Serengeti.  Should be a hoot.

I can for like the Mighty Bush and Flight of the Barchords and I luff Shakira´s lekker new world cup treffer.

Can for like komedy?  Can for like kak musiek
Then do yourself a favour.  Dont watch Leon Schuster.  Really.  Just skip it.  And while you are at it…Steer clear of the Shakira world cup tune  Fifa approved?  What a sign of bollocks that is..

A few years ago,  I took the bus to Port Elizabeth.  On board the bus they showed a video.  Good.  That should pass the time.

Sadly it was a Leon Schuster film.  It was the most racist bloody thing I had witnessed in years.  Granted I had been living in the UK for ten years.   I looked around the bus.  I think I was possibly the only white person on it.  Yet everyone on the bus was in stitches at this most basic of comedies.

Yesterday I read a comment on facebook.  Someone asked about the new Shakira world cup song.  The question was….Is the song any good?  My response was that it was shite.  It is my opinion.  But that is what i think of this bloody waka waka whatever.  The response from one person was, ¨I was in Stellenbosch the other night at a club, and folks from all races were loving it, and dancing to it…”

I answered that people enjoying something is no measure of style, class, taste or quality.   Like I said.  Leon Shuster has sold more tickets at the cinema than any other performer or film in this country.  He has jumped on the world cup bandwagon and released a movie for the event.  I dont even want to mention its name.  But it looks more shit than Bafana Bafana.  Really!


He has created an enviroment where it is considered amusing to stereotype other cultures in a negative way.  Nothing wrong with “blacking up” in Leon´s world.  It has in turn changed the way advertising is done in South Africa too.  Just watch the appaling adverts for Outsurance and the bloody Deloris character played by some white guy called Ashley.  It´s racist, its sexist, its rubbish….and by God its popular.

Taste…it cannot be bought…but someone should be responsible for dishing it out.

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Just out of hospital. No joy. ANOTHER 4 WEEKS MINIMUM

Well that was fun.  Ive just got out of the outpatients at the New Somerset Hospital.  Ironically the only thing new there is the new strains of TB being cultivated by the dying there daily.

I was very much looking forward to getting my ex-fix removed.  Alas no.

Nothing wrong with my leg, just not ready to be removed as yet.  Im back in a month to see.  I guess there is no point in rushing it.  Just heal and deal.  Looks like im going to have a normal cast added to my leg after this thing is out.  So in some way or another..Im down with this shit for a good while still.

On the plus side. I just had a nice coffee and someone wants to buy my scooter.  That, and Die Antwoord on Friday.  I’ve been offered a gig on Friday night.  Bugger and piss…Now I never turn down work, but I want to see this gig more than I dream of Armageddon and all the people in the world being washed away into the cosmos.  What to do…what to do?

Right then…Zulas tonight, then Balkanology (free ticket or nothing), News Cafe tomorrow, Jokers on Wednesday, a movie casting, a radio interview and Jou Ma’s Se Comedy Club on Thursday.  Friday…that is DIE ANTWOORD.  gotta be.

The Ex-Fix, and the Tibia and Fibula...100 days in post accident.

queues? you want queues? you cannot handle queues. How I long for the short waits at Home Affairs.

Sweet Lordy.

I’ve been at the Somerset Hospital this morning since 8am.  That’s not long you say.  Well i’m still waiting for my file to be handed over to me.  So that I can start the long process of going from orthopaedics through to x-rays, and back and forth.  I used to think it took a long time to get sorted at Home Affairs.  It doesn’t.  Battery life on the laptop just wasn’t designed with hospital waits in mind.

Then again.  If you can afford a mac book.  Chances are you are not waiting in a state hospital.

Jeff Dunham is coming to South Africa. yawn, blergh, fraap. Does nobody else find this guy a bit pants? Just me then..

I think its great that South Africa is starting to attract more and more international performers to our shores.

The rather famous and successful Jeff Dunham is coming over in a few months time.  Now please.  Forgive me for a second.  But I find the Achmet the dead terrorist to be soooooo bloody dull.  Anything that is popular as a ring tone is not my cup of tea when it comes to comedy.  but then again. If taste had value, Id be worth nearly a hundred bucks.  South Africans are not known particularly for having fine taste when it comes to the arts.  Hell even our ministers cannot look at a naked photo without screaming pornography.  So its with much dissapointment that I see we have Mr Dunham coming over.  Sure he will entertain you.  Sure you will be happy.

Hell, his youtube video of the little skeletal figure has over 110 million views.  Are there that many people with poor taste.  No bloody wonder artists like Bok van Blerk are the highest selling in our country.

At R250-R500 a ticket, so will he.  America’s most successful entertainer is coming to africa to make some cash money.  Are his puppets being flown on their own seat in first class or something?  I cannot see why tickets need cost this much for one man and some things he has his hand up the arse of.

Sure, you bring out the Commodores, you gonna have some expense.  All the extra baggage costs, the thirteen congo players, that sort of thing.  this is one fucking man and his puppets…  sweet jesus. For R500 I want to see a show, not educate your children.

Greedy fuckers.  At that kind of money, even is the seats at Grand West are only (er ahem..only) R250 each…He is grossing over R1.2 Million rand.  How many kids could be fed or educated in South Africa on that.  six.. maybe seven if you don’t send them to a fancy boys school in Cape Town.  Maybe its just the socialist in me…but that is fucking ridonkulous.

oh, yeah.  Catch him at these intimate venues in September.

Sun City Superbowl
Grand West Arena
Big Top Carnival City

he puts his hand up a puppets arse and charges over a million rand

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An Icelandic Volcano threatens the Coachella Festival-What is Die Antwoord?

Oooh… Sorry for some.  The fantastically massive coachella festival in the states is under threat.
The Volcanic ash currently giving Europe grief is making flights to the festival impossible for several European based acts.

sometimes...living in the southern hemisphere in africa has its benefits

This is the festival that “Die Antwoord” are down to play.  Whilst a great many of the acts are already in the states.  It has affected several of the top names.

It appears that the flights from the UK are cancelled till at least 6pm today.

pretty wise ne'

The rest of the line-up looks like this…

Friday, April 16th

•    Aeroplane
•    Alana Grace
•    As Tall As Lions
•    Baroness
•    Benny Benassi
•    Calle 13
•    Céu
•    deadmau5
•    Deer Tick
•    DJ Lance Rock
•    Echo & the Bunnymen
•    Erol Alkan
•    Fever Ray
•    Grace Jones
•    Grizzly Bear
•    Hockey
•    Iglu & Hartly
•    Jay-Z
•    Jets Overhead
•    Kate Miller-Heidke
•    La Roux
•    LCD Soundsystem
•    Little Dragon
•    Lucero
•    Pablo Hassan
•    Passion Pit
•    P.O.S.
•    Proxy
•    Public Image Limited
•    Ra Ra Riot
•    She & Him
•    Sleigh Bells
•    The Avett Brothers
•    The Cribs
•    The Dillinger Escape Plan
•    The Specials
•    The Whitest Boy Alive
•    Them Crooked Vultures
•    Vampire Weekend
•    Wale
•    Wolfgang Gartner
•    Yeasayer

Saturday, April 17th

•    2 many DJ’s
•    Aterciopalados
•    Band of Skulls
•    Bassnectar
•    Beach House
•    Camera Obscura
•    Coheed and Cambria
•    Corinne Bailey Rae
•    Craze
•    David Guetta
•    DEVO
•    Dirty Projectors
•    Dirty South
•    Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
•    Faith No More
•    Flying Lotus
•    Frank Turner
•    Frightened Rabbit
•    GIRLS
•    Gossip
•    Hot Chip
•    John Waters
•    Kaskade
•    Klever
•    Les Claypool
•    Major Lazer
•    Mew
•    MGMT
•    Muse
•    Old Crow Medicine Show
•    Porcupine Tree
•    Portugal. The Man
•    Pretty Lights
•    RX Bandits
•    Shooter Jennings
•    Sia
•    Steel Train
•    The Almighty Defenders
•    The Dead Weather
•    The Raveonettes
•    The Temper Trap
•    The xx
•    Tiësto
•    Tokyo Police Club
•    White Rabbits
•    Z-Trip
•    Zoé

Sunday, April 18th

•    B.o.B.
•    Babasónicos
•    Charlotte Gainsbourg
•    Club 75
•    De La Soul
•    Deerhunter
•    Delphic
•    Florence & The Machine
•    Gary Numan
•    Gil Scott-Heron
•    Gorillaz
•    Hadouken!
•    Infected Mushroom
•    Julian Casablancas
•    Kevin Devine
•    King Khan & the Shrines
•    Little Boots
•    Local Natives
•    Matt & Kim
•    Mayer Hawthorne
•    Miike Snow
•    MUTEMATH
•    One eskimO
•    Orbital
•    Owen Pallett
•    PAPARAZZI
•    Pavement
•    Phoenix
•    Plastikman
•    Rusko
•    Sly & The Family Stone
•    Spoon
•    Sunny Day Real Estate
•    Talvin Singh
•    The Big Pink
•    The Glitch Mob
•    The Middle East
•    The Soft Pack
•    Thom Yorke
•    Yann Tiersen
•    Yo La Tengo

Has anyone else lost the pleasure of vehicle ownership

I dont know about you? But im sick of cars.
Sick of the cost. Sick of the petrol, sick of the repairs, the traffic the parking.

the list does go on.

I have been driving exactly half my life. Ive been behind the wheel of a vehicle somewhere in the world for the last seventeen years. When I was a kid I used to love playing the Top Trumps games with the exotic cars and tanks and shit. I knew every fact of every vehicle. It was an obsession that I thought would have transferred to my adult life.

Has it fuck.

My luck with cars can only be bettered than my luck with women. I have had some awesome cars in my past two. Cars that I loved. And seemed to love me back. and like some of the spiteful meanies that I have dated, I have also has some cars that have tried their best to kill me and my passengers whilst raping my wallet and pride at the same time.

Ok. So one thing is clear. we need some sort of transport. Look around the world and see how other cultures and people cope.
I want a horse.

better than a car on your shoulders?

Perfect for Poachers!

Landrover 109- Ford Kent V6 engine.perfect for perlie poachers

Are you a budding Perlemoen Poacher? Perhaps worried about getting your rubber duck out of the surf and away from the meddlesome police as quick as possible?

well hello then.

or perhaps we find ourselves in a different world than that.
Maybe you are a Norwegian tourist keen on seeing our wonderful scenery and country.. you too could use a big Landrover to take you to exotic locations off far beaten tracks. whilst snacking down on some of our fine biltong…just dont ask for whale biltong please. have some respect!

Either way, you want a land rover yes!

of course you do…its macho and makes up for small reproductive organs. I know this all too well.

I need however something a little more feminine. Im not one of those folks. Im a mans man…but i need a car with curves and grace, not grunt and chest hair (albeit a wig)

I want to swap..or im going to sell this for R38k onco
This cabbie has it all. Everything you would need to set up an illegal poaching operation. Hell its not even licenced properly. It has a kick ass audio system too. After a while of screaming V6 engine sounds, the dulcet tones of Nianell come in quite nicely.

six by nines. thats right…two of them. klank doos lekker!

what have you ekse?
perhaps a big old merc’ or something similar…
no naff chico’s or conquests here matey..
or perhaps you have something out of the ordinary… a unicorn’s horn.
a scale from a mermaid…im open to suggestion.
a script to an amusing south african sit-com

no patricia lewis and cliff richard back catalogues of tunes on mp3 accepted!