How to wear a Beret and look, special, intelligent, army-like & not at all like a ridiculous twat.

photo by Gary van der Merwe
Suave, sophisticated. Ready for a night on the town. A leisure beret that still means business (photo by Gary van der Merwe)
I think Julius Malema gets given a lot of unnecessary grief. I mean come on. Any man who can wear a beret by choice. AND INSIST ON WEARING AS HE DOES, it quite obviously a gentle man. A silly man, a man making a bit of a joke and having fun with it.

Hey folks. It is just fashion. And by fashion, I do not mean fascist. There is a different beret he wears for that.
Here is a photo description on how to wear a beret. It is a military garment most of the time. AND THEY HAVE RULES.

I am not sure what they mean by poof here.

Here are some examples of Julius Malema’s attempt at wearing a beret. I think he looks quite suave.

Suave, sophisticated. Ready for a night on the town. A leisure beret that still means business

Julius knows better than most that the space required between beret and eyesocket is EXACTLY the width of his finger description. EXACTLY

Which way to Nando's?

Julius has been known to wear a cap on various occasions. I think the beret works for him. It is more fitting his political position. The other caps are too leisure focussed.


Julius is not the first to wear a beret. In fact many have chosen to wear one in the past. Even thought most of society thinks that they look like shit and make you look like an idiot. No. True fashionista’s have no respect for the will of the masses. That folks, is why they are winners and we ARE JUST READERS.

Some follow. Some lead.


This is a picture of a monkey in a beret. I want to shoot them both in the face for mocking the beret.
They should be treated the way they are performing. BADLY…

The one man who nobody can doubt about getting it right..
Prince.

Raspberry Beret. Enough said.

I have no idea what language this man is speaking. But I know he is speaking the truth.
Prove me wrong.

I hope this has been as informative as it has been entertaining. Viva la revolution.

What is Heritage Day? eh? you may as well just have a Braai!

I love a good braai. I love the word #braai.
To me is sums up all that is good in South Africa.

There is a strange school of thought thought that South Africans have regarding the outdoor BBQ.
WE BELIEVE THAT WE ARE THE BEST OUTDOOR COOKS IN THE WORLD.

Whilst I appreciate that is is something that people have done here for a while, why is it that South African people feel that they own the idea of cooking with a fire.

Is this something that was invented in 1652. How did people cook elsewhere? Was there just raw meat and uncooked vegetables being consumed worldwide before?

Im taking the piss here a little. But in a few days time. It will be Heritage Day here in South AFrica.
There has been a gentleman by the name of Jan Scannell (on twitter as @Janbraai) who for the past few years has been declaring that it is time for South Africa to enjoy the day as “National Braai Day” Something akin to how the Irish celebrate their culture with St Patricks Day.

I was chatting with him the other day about the event. A part of me was wondering….firstly.
WTF is Heritage Day anyway. Was there anything slightly sacrilegious about declaring a public holiday as “National Braai Day”

I actually had to check the internet to find out what Heritage Day actually was. It seems as if there are literally dozens of public holidays in South Africa. Often these days mark either a particularly sad of important chapter of our countries history.

Turns out, Heritage Day isn’t one of them..
We are not dishonouring the lives of those lost in the struggle. We are not pissing off folks on some Holy Day.

Seriously. We may as well bloody Braai on Heritage Day.

I got this from the Government’s website..

24 September [Heritage Day]

“The day is one of our newly created public holidays and its significance rests in recognising aspects of South African culture which are both tangible and difficult to pin down: creative expression, our historical inheritance, language, the food we eat as well as the land in which we live.

“Within a broader social and political context, the day’s events…are a powerful agent for promulgating a South African identity, fostering reconciliation and promoting the notion that variety is a national asset as opposed to igniting conflict.

“Heritage has defined as “that which we inherit: the sum total of wild life and scenic parks, sites of scientific or historical importance, national monuments, historic buildings, works of art, literature and music, oral traditions and museum collections together with their documentation.”

(Statement issued by the Department of Arts, Culture, Science and Technology, 17 September 1996)

In an address marking Heritage Day in 1996, (former) President Mandela stated:

“When our first democratically-elected government decided to make Heritage Day one of our national days, we did so because we knew that our rich and varied cultural heritage has a profound power to help build our new nation.

We did so knowing that the struggles against the injustice and inequities of the past are part of our national identity; they are part of our culture. We knew that, if indeed our nation has to rise like the proverbial phoenix from the ashes of division and conflict, we had to acknowledge those whose selfless efforts and talents were dedicated to this goal of non-racial democracy.”

Right then….
So to summarise… Braai away, cook whatever suits you.
I can understand that some folks got all angry with the whole…”meat is murder” kind of shit.
Nobody said you need to go out and slaughter a bloody cow. Veggies work quite well on an open fire.

I used to love having braai’s in the UK. Sadly the kind of fire that I would cook with there would normally be on a tiny little tin foil portable braai. Utter utter shite. Heat for about ten minutes then burned out and nothing to cook on. On my buddy’s stag weekend, a bunch of my mates (nearly all South African guys) went up into the Welsh Mountains. We took those tinfoil braai’s along.
We managed to get a few minutes cooking out of them and had to quit. There was drinking to do and they were out of heat.

Whilst South African’s do get rather carried away with their ability to cook outdoors, it does make me think of folks in other countries. Im using steretypes here. I have never been to Australia, but when anyone is tasked with saying a little phrase or two that sounds like it could be Australian, they normally say something stupid like
“Throw another shrimp on the Barbie” Apparently it comes from a bunch of commercials Paul Hogan did for the Australian Toursim Board back in the day. Im pretty sure that the Aussies can braai just as well as we can here in SA. It isnt like they do not have sheep or wood there.

But if you have ever watched television. (wait…are you saying you have? amazing!) whenever you see American families cooking outdoors…its the same old shit. A bloody hotdog and a burger patty? Are there no cows or beasts suitable for grilling there? how did they all get so fat? An American Braai looks like utter shit.

When I was living in the UK, the amount of times one of my British friends would ruin a braai was countless.
They are the kind of folks who would show up to the braai with a packet of frozen Linda McCartney vegan sausages and expect me to work wonders with them. I have no issue with cooking for my veggie friends, but it was a nightmare.

Seperate tongs, seperate grills, and how the eff do you cook a frozen soya sausage. Or failing that. The meat eaters would turn up with some poxy burger patty and wonder why it would turn out like shit.

A true braai is an impromtu event. No planning required. You simply require fire and friends.
I have done it before without either. granted it was a shit braai and I cried. but it has been attempted.

I believe you need good Namibian wood. Considering its a country known for its desert, and not its forests, I wonder about the sustainability of that statement. But for now, im sticking with it. I went to the Fish River Canyon a few years back. I forgot the braai lighters. A simple yet necessary tool for starting a fire. I improvised with a toilet roll and some petrol. That shit was fired up in minutes. If you have ever tried to start a fire with prehistoric hardwood and a box of matches, you will know how hard it is. There was a queue of German’s, French and Swedish tourists and other foreign folks who slowly came round to my campsite to “buy” some coals. Their European way’s had left them unable to make fire.

I felt like a man. I felt like Bear Grylls but without having to drink piss or eat a frogs arsehole.

Speaking of arseholes. Braai’s can attract them like flies. There seems to be a code to outdoor cooking.
It does seem to breed a strange sort of misogynistic type of manliness. Men Braai. Women make salads.
It harks back to the old days of South Africa. Well times have changed. I have been to many a hipster braai of late.
I will happily eat salads made by a man, and meat cooked by the ladies.
As long as those ladies are either from Zimbabwe or South Africa.

If you are Swedish or from the UK, I am sorry. But im going to have to insist that you sit down, enjoy the hospitality….
but leave the braai alone. It is not in your nature, your culture, or your skillset. To show you that I am not being misogynistic. That statement applies to foreign folks of all sexes.

For some strange reason. South African’ do actulally have the best braai’s in teh world.
It is the one word that covers all languages and cultures in this country.

This is my new Braai.
It has been adopeted by my missus and I. It will be delivered today. We are as excited as if we were adopting a puppy.
It is a happy time. Enjoy Heritage Day.

Considering that my house was owned by the Archbishop Desmond Tutu (this is no lie) and that he is/was the patron of Braai Day. We are going to have a kick ass braai this Saturday.

Do you want to come? just bring a dop’ and a chop and we will be sorted.
(BRING A HOTDOG OR BURGER PATTY AND I WILL SOMMER BLADDY PK YOU ACROSS YOU BLADDY FACE THOUGH)

Much Love
Martin

It is the big one....

So it’s ok to do “Blackface” if you are or Leon Schuster or a “radio” comedian?

Aaah.  Blackface.  The politically incorrect assumption that it is perfectly acceptable to just “blacken up” for a role.

Al Jolsen made it famous back in the day.  That day was like 70 years ago though…but here in South Africa it is common today as it was…er during apartheid.

This photo is like 80 years old.

We have two particular examples here in South Africa.  Whilst doing a spot of blackface, they also feel the need to do it in drag too.

How the Outsurance adverts were approved by their board astounds me.  Here is a man doing an appaling impression of all the negative stereotypes possible.  I dont know him, nor am I bothered about how good an actor he is/isnt or that he wrote all the work himself…I personally find the Dolores character offensive for many reasons.

But I can see why they felt that it wasnt that much of an issue.  When the most successfull movie maker in South African history insists on it in pretty much every role.  I find it all about as funny as a man dressed in drag for a stag night asking me to feel his tits and feeling hilarious for it all.  Wankers

So if its ok for Leon…It seems to be ok for insurance companies too.

Its Hilarious you see...cos he is black...gettit?

This is even funnier...cos now he is a woman....and black...hahahaha yawn

So here lies the problem.  What do we do with this kind of shite.  At a bare minimum its just rubbish.  Looked into a bit deeper and its a bit more sinister.  I would love to hear some opionions of how black South African’s feel watching this shite.

South African comedians have been making a good tidy profit out of racism for what seems like forever. We have quite a culture of comedians paryoding other cultures. It is hack, it is unpleasant, and sadly. it is still rife in the industry.
We have an act here in SA who goes by the name of Kevin Perkins. He has a character he calls Michael Naicker.

He does a series of lazy stereotypes about Indian people in South Africa. Is he hated? Are people baying for his blood? no. Sadly people are if anything, queing up to buy tickets to his show.

We have another gentleman doing comedy on 5fm. He goes by the twitter name of @malytyren He parodies the “Coloured” community, but I have the sneakiest suspicion that he is in fact white. Does that not make it a little culturally insensitive by a major broadcaster? I wonder.

The idea of Patricia Lewis naked disturbs the sleeping spirit of Bles Bridges. Let him lie in peace I say..

Did Patricia Lewis ever do regrettable porn?I hope not. It is just the kind of thing we just don’t need in this country.
Thankfully she has managed to keep most of her clothes on most of the time.In an entirely tasteful way.  Shame really as the sight of her nude wouldn’t be nearly as unpleasant as her music.  Obviously from a distance.  Say about a click..Not sure how far a click actually is…But in war movies it seems fairly far.

Strange really but there never seems to be any sex skandaal’s from the treffer ladies.  It seems its mostly the men who are stirring the kak so to speak.
There was much drama at this years KKNK fees.  Dozi insulting people with racial slurs, drunkenness from certain acts, and Wynand “Windpomp” Burger being accused of rape.

I watch 7de Laan.  I have never seen an episode like this.

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Julius Malema, a modern marvel of magnificence and muppetry

A few days ago.  The British legal system went mental.  It really overdid matters when it actually arrested a Paul Chambers who posted a rather unfunny, yet slightly aggressive Twitter post.  The airport was closed and he made a daft joke about blowing it up.

He tweeted: ‘Crap! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!”

He was arrested.  Charged and fined a thousand pounds.  This started a string of people coming forward on twitter suggesting that the fine would be paid by donations happily.  From Graham Linehan and Stephen Fry, through to the normal man in the street.

Now Julius Malema has been found guilty of his conduct regarding Jacob Zuma.  Malema was ordered to attend anger management classes, make a public apology to Zuma, the ANC and the public in general and to pay a fine of R10000 to a youth development project.  Yet the Youth League are now suggesting that not a penny will come from his pocket and expect the youth league members to cough up the cash.

Its a funny country all right.  Why watch comedy when all you need do is watch the news.  Actually its pretty sad.  Or at least I am.
Whilst raising money for the one seems right.  Where a silly but relatively modest breech of the peace is fined and given the man a criminal record, here, Julius Malema is just laughing at us.

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Shakira and Freshlyground. Waka waka (This time for Africa) is ubershite football-pop. FIFA rapes the airwaves and Africa again.

Ok.  So its not like I would normally go out and buy a Shakira album anyway.

But I feel Africa has been betrayed here. (click on link to youtube to hear the song in question)

We get to host the world cup in just a couple of weeks.  We have an amazing history of musical culture and depth in South Africa. Granted its not often directly related into album sales or char positions world wide.  But we are South Africa.  We are also in essence representing the whole continent here.

So they rope in Freshlyground too.  now they have a bit of a pedigree here in SA.  But as far as bands go…Im not  a huge fan of them either.  They are just “Mango Groove” for the 21st century.  What botheres me about Shakira, other than her singing and hip shaking (I cut and paste the lyrics….may be totally wrong) is why did they feel the need to bring a Columbian woman in for an African Event?  Was there nothing wrong with the local talent on its own?  Could Bra  Hugh’s “Stimela” not be African enough? Did Freshlyground really need to be a part of this?

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa
This time for Africa

If African needs to be captured with a song. Fela Kuti was and is still the man for the job.

If it was really the time for Africa, why do we have  a second rate Colombian slag singing OUR song.  Did the officials just look at the video footage of the German world cup and say…”Ja man, book daai chick wat sommer sing van her period”  you know….Im on tonight, and the hips don’t lie….you must book her neh’

To be honest, its just a simple pop song.  As shit as anything produced before and probably afterwards that wants to capture “africa essence” whilst sounding more like an advert for fucking coca cola.  She sings with all the clarity of a woman stung badly by bees in the mouth whilst simulationusly trying to gargle a mouth full of FIFA semen.
aaargh gaargghh africaaaaaaaaaaah caw caw caaaaaaaaawwwww.

I dont hate you Shakira.  I hate the fuckers who booked you, or who had the power to make the choices.  Whoever is actually behind running the world cup for 2010 are as secretive as sasquatch (may as well have some other non-african links in here)  If there is actually a body of people planning and procuring for the world cup, their mere existance is questionable.  Are the Freemasons involved?  Methinks FIFA is a ball of shit with no more grounding in profit than they are football.  A plague on your collective souls.

But its the Waka Waka part that gives me the shudders in this most awful of songs.  (granted its more lisenable than that fucking deviously poor Euro Track from Shaggy….Feel the Rush with Trix and Flicks….sweet jesus that makes me shout at things)

But if I have to think of an african song that has Waka Waka in the title….and no…Im not refereing to the mostly unknown Muppets movie , “Muppets in Mozambique -Fozzie gets HIV–waka waka waka” I think more of a man who embodied African spirit.  Fela Kuti, and his song “Coffin for Head of State”

Even Fozzie wouldn't be caught dead on the Shakira track. Waka waka my arse!

Years ago, Fela Kuti’s self proclaimed republic of “Kalakuta” was raided by the Nigerian cops/army.  They did a fantastic job of making everyone’ there suffer terribly.  Horrific beatings, mutilation of genitals, seriously…this was hardcore stuff from the police.  Fela wrote a song based on taking his mothers coffin (she was thrown from a balcony during the police raid and died from the resultnig injuries” to the army general Olusegun Obasanjo at an army barracks. Obasanjo, had to take the coffin, out of respect for the dead and fear of angering ancestral spirits.  I just hope Fela’s spirit doesnt feel to violated at this Shakira track.  I for one would like to summon the Tokoloshe to keep old Sepp Blatter awake and at least force him to sleep on his bed on bricks.

Here are some of the lyrics to  “Coffin for Head of State”

So I waka waka waka
*[CHORUS] WAKA WAKA WAKA– [AFTER EACH LINE]
I go many places
I go business places
And I see, see, see
All the bad, bad, bad things
Dem dey do, do, do
Call corruption
And dey call “nepotism”
Inside promotions
And inside all business
I say I waka waka waka
I see, see, see
*[CHORUS] WAKA WAKA WAKA

So I waka-waka-waka-waka-waka-waka-waka

I waka any business anywhere in Africa
I waka any business anywhere in Africa
North and South dem get dem policies
One Christian and the other one, Muslim
Anywhere the Muslims dem dey reign
Na senior Allaha-ji na ‘im be director
Anywhere the Christians dem dey reign
Na the best friend to Bishop na ‘im be director
It is a known fact that for many thousand years
We Africans, we had our own traditions
These money making organizations
Them come put we Africans in total confusion

Perfect. Fela manages to capture the essence of what Africa is still currently going through.
FIFA is a big corporation that throws its weight about like a shitty country with nuclear weapons..
The rest of the world listens to this bully.

From the tendering process, through to the cost involved…This song is my official world cup anthem.

Here….is sadly the lyrics to the Shakira track.  They have about as much emotional and spiritual upliftment as tuberclosis of the scrotum has.

You’re a good soldier
Choosing your battles
Pick yourself up
And dust yourself off
And back in the saddle

You’re on the frontline
Everyone’s watching
You know it’s serious
We’re getting closer
This isnt over

The pressure is on
You feel it
But you’ve got it all
Believe it

When you fall get up
Oh oh…
And if you fall get up
Oh oh…

Tsamina mina
Zangalewa
Cuz this is Africa

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa
This time for Africa

Listen to your god
This is our motto
Your time to shine
Dont wait in line
Y vamos por Todo

People are raising
Their Expectations
Go on and feed them
This is your moment
No hesitations

Today’s your day
I feel it
You paved the way
Believe it

If you get down
Get up Oh oh…
When you get down
Get up eh eh…

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa
This time for Africa

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa

Please forgive us Fela.  Please..

The Black President.

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Smurfette is just a prison bitch “Wyfie” in the numbers gang system.

Did you get the Pollock family come to your school when you were a kid to preach about Jesus to you?.. Yes the same ones, who, whilst playing cricket like demons, came to our schools when we were kids to talk to us about demons.

What demons…..The Cartoon Demons of the 80’s

I recall having Peter Pollock, father of Shaun, the “ginger ninja” and the selector of the South African cricket team, actually interrupt our childhood education with this twaddle.  Masters of the Universe, Ninja Turtles that kind of thing.  What a wally.

Papa Smurf (John Mongrel) takes his wyfie

You see the smurf’s were demons….What kind of demons you may ask.  Well it was the 80’s, and there wasn’t quite the range of cartoons out there for kids at the time in South Africa… So it was mostly gentle kindly things like the Smurfs they picked on.  What was wrong with the smurf’s you may well ask.  Well they were satanic.   No really.
Something about them being blue (representing the fact they were dead) and that in Puerto Rico in the early 80’s some loons found the smurf’s at the bottom of their pot plants practising satanism.  I wonder what kind of fine Puerto Rican’ pot plant they were hiding under…Sounds like some strong stuff.

All these stories.  All these lies. And being spread by bloody adults.  I just read that the Smurf’s were also meant to represent Communism.  Sheesh.  How smart did you think kids where in those days.  Apparently Smurf stands for “Socialist Men Under Red Father”.  Then again the band KISS  was meant to mean “Kids in Satans Service”
Hell…anyone can play that game….Why KISS could easily stand for “Kicked in soft scrotum” “Killed in Sunday Service”

waatokal…

Not a Smurf, but a ninja!
dis cooler as ekke' Parow Smurf

That the village was akin to a community living under a communist society with all their sharing etc..That Papa Smurf was the embodiment of Karl Marx.  Really..  Some funny stuff.  Then there always comes the question…What about Smurfette.  In a village of only male smurfs….where did she come from.

Well she was made by a spell by Gargamel and transformed into the gentle lady smurf by Papa Smurf.  He did some magic and sorted her out into the kindly lady smurf we know and er…love.

I have my theories here too.  This was done to give explanation to the Numbers Gang.  In Pollsmoor prison, new inmates go through an initiation ceremony.  I think Smurfette is just a prison “wyfie” owned by Papa Smurf, who is essentially the John Mongrel of the prison/village.  Smufette is probably a 28 in the Silver line.

The Papa Smurf of Pollsmoor
Friendly place that provides shelter to murder's and rapists and very scared fraudsters, drunk drivers etc
Tik is the sexy romantic name for Methamphetamine which is cheaper than chappies

She would stab you for tik money.  She has probably seen plenty of Smurf cock in her time.  In essence.  Im more afraid of Smurfette than Gargamel (who probably represents the Prison Warders) Now that would be a dangerous cartoon for kids.

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kan for like to has blog from blackberry

I’m starting to get quite into this blackberry malarky. I’m just seeing how the wordpress mobile app for blogging does.

Speaking of things I’m into…
I’m suddenly obsessed with Bud Spencer and trying to find the true history behind AMA (afrikaans martial arts).

If my sources are correct, he is the father of the “poes-klap” and possibly responsible for over 8566 confirmed cases of school-boy deafness resulting from burst ear-drums. That coupled with the large percentage of South African boys who owned BB guns has resulted in a massive section of our countries population that neither saw nor heard of apartheid.

Was Eugene secretly Bud Spencer, the Italian Move star of the 70’s and 80’s?

Bud Spencer.

Big fat Italian man who could swim fast and punch (flat hand) harder than anyone on the planet in the 70’s and 80’s
He even made moofies here in South Africa.  So he was obviously not that policically motivated.

I have a sneaky suspicion however that he may just have been the murdered leader of the AWB. The resemblance is uncanny and they both used the Poes Klap to marvellous effect.

Disgruntled from Tunbridge Wells

I find myself getting older.
how do i know this? well my ability to find fault has increased to a dangerous level..

ive started complaining about certain television adverts, ive complained about political parties, and even recently i made my first noise complaint.

with the amount of ear hair that i seem to be growing. i fear it have peaked.
im officially an adult