Rants with Pants Episode 5

Still no joy. Still no effing joy at getting this thing to submit and verify with iTunes.

Do I give up? No.
Do I have to fork out money?  Yes.

Recorded in my car on my way to my buddy Gareth Allison’s house for his internet wisdom and skills. Sadly it’s still not resolved.

Anyway.  This is a more optimistic post than yesterday.  The benefits of your imagination online. Thanks for listening.  Again, I appreciate any follows, shares and feedback.

thanks
Martin

Jim Jefferies Live in South Africa.

Some comics just get it right. Jim has been doing just that for years now.
I first got the chance to gig with him back in the UK in 2006 and loved his work.

I prefer my comics to say it as it is. Jim does just that.

Jim shot to prominence over a bloody youtube clip of him being punched. Granted it didn’t make him funnier, but it did make him famous.

A million of hits later and it certaily cemented some notoraity for a man who was going on to bigger things. Anyway, he moved to the USA a few years ago and has since seen his career skyrocket with his own show “Legit”

He has a string of specials and one-man shows out there too.

  • Jim Jeffries: Hell Bound: Live at The Comedy Store London – Released: 2008
  • Contraband – (5000 limited editions) Released: 10 November 2008 (UK Home Video)
  • I Swear to God – Broadcast: 16 May 2009; Released: 13 October 2009 (US Home Video)
  • Alcoholocaust – Released: 8 November 2010 (Comedy Central UK DVD)
  • Fully Functional – Release: October 2012
  • Bare – Release: 29 August 2014 (Netflix)

Jim has toured South Africa in the past, where I got the chance to open for him here in Cape Town.

He will be back soon with his brand new shop “Freedumb” and will be at the Grand Arena at Grand West Casino and at The Globe at Silverstar.

Jim Jefferies Freedumb SA 2015
I had a quick interview with Jim on Cape Talk/702 a few weeks ago.  Catch the interview here.

I have a few double tickets to give away.
Two double tickets for the shows at Silverstar and at Grand West.

In order to win, you need to comment on the blog at the bottom with the answer to the following question, along with your location (Jhb or Cape Town).

“What was the name of Jim Jefferies American Television show”

Answers below and the winners will be announced on Wednesday 22 July 2015.  The winners will be selected randomly for the reply’s.

Good Luck!

Buying cars online. Good idea or not?

Ok. Truth time.

http://www.gumtree.co.za have asked me to write a few words on buying online.

Lets start with the truth. Since that is the biggest issue when buying online. Often blind.
I have bought dozens of vehicles over the years.  Using http://www.gumtree.co.za in South Africa has seen me purchase many of my cars and motorbikes over the years.   The platform just works for me.

Lets imagine there was an actual car lot out there. A car lot that had every obscure and out of production vehicle there was. That we could walk around and see all these cars in real time. Folks you are dreaming. It just doesn’t exist out there.

For me to find the cars and bikes that I have (im including bicycles here too) I would have had to drive around for ages into places that I didnt know existed in order to track down some of these vehicles. I found what I wanted with a few clicks. Sometimes I have had friends send me links via text messages or emails saying “Martin, you just have to check this out”

I bought my last three cars via http://www.gumtree.co.za

My VW Kombi Autovilla.  Bough blind in PE.

My Volvo 122S Amazon.  Also bought blind in PE

and my Mercedes c230 Coupe.  Bought blind up in Johannesburg.

I was able to get enough info out of the buyers adverts to warrant further investigation. Im no fool. I didn’t transfer funds or go to some dodgy place to view these cars. I dealt with people online and felt I had sufficient trust with them to meet up and see th cars. In every case it was well worth the gamble as I got exactly the cars I was looking for without any further need to search. In fact I cannot think how I would have found them otherwise.

Be sensible when buying online. But by all means do it.
Like this advert I saw here http://goo.gl/M8l2LP
I just want to jump out and buy this. Ok. So  im short of cash and parking. But hey. A man can dream!

How long before #bucknorris takes over #entertheninja on youtube for number of hits? Tough break Waddy!

In the past year or two. It was Die Antwoord who seemed to have racked up the largest number of hits on youtube by South Africans.

Seems all of Waddy’s hard work is about to be eclipsed by a red hartebeest.

Watch as Evan van der Spuy of Team Jeep South Africa got taken out by a RED HARTEBEES at the Time Freight Express MTB race at Albert Falls Dam. Recorded on a little #gopro camera…It is really amazing foootage to watch.

I love the comment underneath it…

The Buck: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.



Bigboss236

with 6 500 000 plus views already…I think that “Die Antwoord” are going to see their good work destroyed shortly.

If you missed their video. Here it is..

What is Heritage Day? eh? you may as well just have a Braai!

I love a good braai. I love the word #braai.
To me is sums up all that is good in South Africa.

There is a strange school of thought thought that South Africans have regarding the outdoor BBQ.
WE BELIEVE THAT WE ARE THE BEST OUTDOOR COOKS IN THE WORLD.

Whilst I appreciate that is is something that people have done here for a while, why is it that South African people feel that they own the idea of cooking with a fire.

Is this something that was invented in 1652. How did people cook elsewhere? Was there just raw meat and uncooked vegetables being consumed worldwide before?

Im taking the piss here a little. But in a few days time. It will be Heritage Day here in South AFrica.
There has been a gentleman by the name of Jan Scannell (on twitter as @Janbraai) who for the past few years has been declaring that it is time for South Africa to enjoy the day as “National Braai Day” Something akin to how the Irish celebrate their culture with St Patricks Day.

I was chatting with him the other day about the event. A part of me was wondering….firstly.
WTF is Heritage Day anyway. Was there anything slightly sacrilegious about declaring a public holiday as “National Braai Day”

I actually had to check the internet to find out what Heritage Day actually was. It seems as if there are literally dozens of public holidays in South Africa. Often these days mark either a particularly sad of important chapter of our countries history.

Turns out, Heritage Day isn’t one of them..
We are not dishonouring the lives of those lost in the struggle. We are not pissing off folks on some Holy Day.

Seriously. We may as well bloody Braai on Heritage Day.

I got this from the Government’s website..

24 September [Heritage Day]

“The day is one of our newly created public holidays and its significance rests in recognising aspects of South African culture which are both tangible and difficult to pin down: creative expression, our historical inheritance, language, the food we eat as well as the land in which we live.

“Within a broader social and political context, the day’s events…are a powerful agent for promulgating a South African identity, fostering reconciliation and promoting the notion that variety is a national asset as opposed to igniting conflict.

“Heritage has defined as “that which we inherit: the sum total of wild life and scenic parks, sites of scientific or historical importance, national monuments, historic buildings, works of art, literature and music, oral traditions and museum collections together with their documentation.”

(Statement issued by the Department of Arts, Culture, Science and Technology, 17 September 1996)

In an address marking Heritage Day in 1996, (former) President Mandela stated:

“When our first democratically-elected government decided to make Heritage Day one of our national days, we did so because we knew that our rich and varied cultural heritage has a profound power to help build our new nation.

We did so knowing that the struggles against the injustice and inequities of the past are part of our national identity; they are part of our culture. We knew that, if indeed our nation has to rise like the proverbial phoenix from the ashes of division and conflict, we had to acknowledge those whose selfless efforts and talents were dedicated to this goal of non-racial democracy.”

Right then….
So to summarise… Braai away, cook whatever suits you.
I can understand that some folks got all angry with the whole…”meat is murder” kind of shit.
Nobody said you need to go out and slaughter a bloody cow. Veggies work quite well on an open fire.

I used to love having braai’s in the UK. Sadly the kind of fire that I would cook with there would normally be on a tiny little tin foil portable braai. Utter utter shite. Heat for about ten minutes then burned out and nothing to cook on. On my buddy’s stag weekend, a bunch of my mates (nearly all South African guys) went up into the Welsh Mountains. We took those tinfoil braai’s along.
We managed to get a few minutes cooking out of them and had to quit. There was drinking to do and they were out of heat.

Whilst South African’s do get rather carried away with their ability to cook outdoors, it does make me think of folks in other countries. Im using steretypes here. I have never been to Australia, but when anyone is tasked with saying a little phrase or two that sounds like it could be Australian, they normally say something stupid like
“Throw another shrimp on the Barbie” Apparently it comes from a bunch of commercials Paul Hogan did for the Australian Toursim Board back in the day. Im pretty sure that the Aussies can braai just as well as we can here in SA. It isnt like they do not have sheep or wood there.

But if you have ever watched television. (wait…are you saying you have? amazing!) whenever you see American families cooking outdoors…its the same old shit. A bloody hotdog and a burger patty? Are there no cows or beasts suitable for grilling there? how did they all get so fat? An American Braai looks like utter shit.

When I was living in the UK, the amount of times one of my British friends would ruin a braai was countless.
They are the kind of folks who would show up to the braai with a packet of frozen Linda McCartney vegan sausages and expect me to work wonders with them. I have no issue with cooking for my veggie friends, but it was a nightmare.

Seperate tongs, seperate grills, and how the eff do you cook a frozen soya sausage. Or failing that. The meat eaters would turn up with some poxy burger patty and wonder why it would turn out like shit.

A true braai is an impromtu event. No planning required. You simply require fire and friends.
I have done it before without either. granted it was a shit braai and I cried. but it has been attempted.

I believe you need good Namibian wood. Considering its a country known for its desert, and not its forests, I wonder about the sustainability of that statement. But for now, im sticking with it. I went to the Fish River Canyon a few years back. I forgot the braai lighters. A simple yet necessary tool for starting a fire. I improvised with a toilet roll and some petrol. That shit was fired up in minutes. If you have ever tried to start a fire with prehistoric hardwood and a box of matches, you will know how hard it is. There was a queue of German’s, French and Swedish tourists and other foreign folks who slowly came round to my campsite to “buy” some coals. Their European way’s had left them unable to make fire.

I felt like a man. I felt like Bear Grylls but without having to drink piss or eat a frogs arsehole.

Speaking of arseholes. Braai’s can attract them like flies. There seems to be a code to outdoor cooking.
It does seem to breed a strange sort of misogynistic type of manliness. Men Braai. Women make salads.
It harks back to the old days of South Africa. Well times have changed. I have been to many a hipster braai of late.
I will happily eat salads made by a man, and meat cooked by the ladies.
As long as those ladies are either from Zimbabwe or South Africa.

If you are Swedish or from the UK, I am sorry. But im going to have to insist that you sit down, enjoy the hospitality….
but leave the braai alone. It is not in your nature, your culture, or your skillset. To show you that I am not being misogynistic. That statement applies to foreign folks of all sexes.

For some strange reason. South African’ do actulally have the best braai’s in teh world.
It is the one word that covers all languages and cultures in this country.

This is my new Braai.
It has been adopeted by my missus and I. It will be delivered today. We are as excited as if we were adopting a puppy.
It is a happy time. Enjoy Heritage Day.

Considering that my house was owned by the Archbishop Desmond Tutu (this is no lie) and that he is/was the patron of Braai Day. We are going to have a kick ass braai this Saturday.

Do you want to come? just bring a dop’ and a chop and we will be sorted.
(BRING A HOTDOG OR BURGER PATTY AND I WILL SOMMER BLADDY PK YOU ACROSS YOU BLADDY FACE THOUGH)

Much Love
Martin

It is the big one....

Introducing my new baby to the world. She may have seen a few parents before, but i will love her like one of my own.

1980 VW Kombi Autovilla
This is my new baby.  She will be moving to my new home for her shortly.

I put in an offer for a 1980  VW Kombi Autovilla.  It is in mint original condition and I cannot wait to break down in exotic locations with her.

With so many festivals and events this year that im either working at or attending, I thought about getting a little van to save the hastle and strife of camping into a more secure….warm….and bloody cool vehicle.

Gone are the days of flat cell-phone batteries, gone are the days of longing for the simple pleasure of a hot cup of coffee.  Yes.  This wee beastie is going to make me a happy man.


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I heartily look forward to the World Cup. Especially if its fairly quiet.

The roads are nearly done.

The years of waiting in traffic and watching monuments to FIFA’s ego and perhaps our ignorance has been entralling and something special.

Then again, so was being in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina.

But if the expected masses do not arrive.  At worst we are not exactly losing that much money.  We are well in debt for the event, but at the cost of an upgraded infrastructure as well as  a massive tourism boost for the long term, rather than over a single month.

I kind of have a bit of an issue with crowds at the best of times.  Since I got injured, I have had to be even more careful about not getting my leg knocked.  If the crowds that were predicted do not arrive in South Africa, well I will not be overly worried.  If greed was people’s motive.  Sorry for them.  If they are generally screwed because of bigger business like “Match” making a mess of the bookings.  I hope they get sued big time.

But if the hotels are quiet.  The airports not packed, The games just right.. I think it could be ideal.  Im not saying we are not ready to have a crack at an event like this.  But I will be most surprised to see how it is handled overall
.
Grahamstown festival is running over the world cup.  This will go one of two ways.  Really well or shit.  Time will tell.  I do hope it does well.  It has been extended to run over 15 days now.   Either way.  Its a bloody big month for South Africa.  I hope everyone is happy and enjoys this major event.  Lets not panic over the smaller facts.  Lets keep it crime free and pleasant.

A part of me does breathe easier with the prospect of not being completely over run with people.

Listings of Stand Up Comedy Gigs all over Cape Town

For those of you in the Cape. Check out the current line-up of comedy gigs all round town.
Comedy in Cape Town is currently busier than it has been in the past 6-7 years with new shows popping up all over the peninsula.

Monday Nights still see’s Zulas running with a range of the top comics in the country and local acts. Always packed.. always fun. Zula’s is in Long Street across from Nando’s. word of advice…avoid the street meat guy up the road…blergh

Tuesdays have two gigs currently running. News Cafe in Tableview is running every Tuesday night with top local acts. R40 gets you in, and you get a free savannah with that. Phone 021 557 6336 to book.

Also on Tuesdays, at the Purple Turtle, you can find the Funny Bones comedy night. It has had some top acts on, and a variety of local performers both new and established. Tickets are R30 here
Bookings: 076 801 2113

Wednesday see’s the running of two somewhat occasional gigs…
Stardust Diner in Tygervalley waterfront, will see its fourth show this wednesday with the best in South African comedy. Really a nice show here. Tickets: R95 / R75 for students, pensioners and block bookings.
Book @ 021 6866 280 please book now to avoid disappointment!

Also on Wednesdays, you can find an occasional gig, (not sure exactly when its running) at Jokers in Athlone. Entrance is R20. Call 0763958901 for more info…

Thursday nights see’s the return of Jou Ma’s se Comedy Club. It moved after folks were not too happy with the original venue. Its now hosted at the River Club in Obz, great food, great booze (8 Draughts on tap…mmm) safe parking and Sa’s top acts. Tickets are R70 and bookings can be made online via http://www.webtickets.co.za.
TABLE RESERVATIONS: Can be made by calling the restaurant directly on 021 448 7906

Friday has some occasional monthly gigs. Slightly out of Cape Town, but not too far away. Comedia presents a montly comedy night at the Boston Grill at the Mykonos Casino in Langebaan. Top South African Comedians perform here and includes a buffet meal. 022 707 6975. Be there at 6 for the dinner, show starts at 8pm.

Friday also see’s on occasion, Encore Restaurant in Plattekloof. Comedy and a meal is provided and is in a lovely setting. Check the Comedia group for more info as to when its on next.

Saturday is a day of rest for comedy at present…but new gigs are planned for the weekends shortly.

Sunday has an open mike night at the OBZ Theatre Cafe….in er…Obz. Catch local acts both new and upcoming doing new material and giving comedy a try. I think entrance is R20. Avoid the street meat here too.

Also, dont forget to catch the corporate sponsored comedy shows across the country. We have some of South Africa’s favourite stand-up comedians set to crack up audiences countrywide in May, when the KIT KAT LIVE Comedy series takes place in the major centres. The show, sponsored by KIT KAT, cos when i think comedy, immediately i think of chocolate companies, cell phone providers and insurance….but hey….catch the Kit Kat show at a rather unusual venue..

Cape Town: NuMetro, Canal Walk, 13-15 May.
For a sponsored gig…its been hard to find any information on it…No idea how much the tickets are, or where to book…but its on.

It has the hilarious Trevor Noah on the bill, with local gentlemen..Dave Levinsohn, Paul Snodgrass, Colin Moss. And I believe Joburg act, Darren Maule is the host.

Who ever said that there was no comedy gigs running….pure bloody lies… and this is before the over-priced, comedy festivals are on….keep your ears and eyes to the web folks…save some money, have some laughs and support the local comedy circuit..

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I say comedy, you immediately think of chocolates, cellular networks and insurance right?

I get asked a lot when my next gigs are?  Not saying that folks want to watch me, they may just be looking for a chance to avoid my performances.

Like I say.  Folks ask questions.  Call me old school, but I truly hate seeing comedy being branded and sold as an event.
“Hey Martin, you doing the Smirnoff?”  er dude…the smirnoff comedy event stopped running in 2003 I think…

Ok.  am I bitter?
of course…but im bitter about most things.

ok, am i naive?
fuck i hope not.

It was with the idea in mind that comedy needs to be handled professionally and by comedians for comedy that COMEDIA came about.

The idea that some of us are relying on big event promoters to tie us up with corporate names  for a comedy career is frankly insulting.

Friends see the line ups of these big comedy gigs and seem to not see the simple set up.  Money…and nasty profit.

WHY WATCH the same acts at the convention centre, hundreds of feet away in a building with thick ignorant sheep.  Thick ignorant sheep.  Hey fuck you buddy…you are insulting me there.

if you are one of the idiots out there that supports these large corporate comedy events….then a plague of gnats and flies on your testicles and fannies.

Idiots.

Really…there are club gigs everywhere…with the same acts…who are a lot funnier when up close and not costing the same as a meal for two and a taxi,.

Zula’s…..R40
Comedy Underground….R30

ok…so maybe you like a classier venue…what about the blues room…or something similar….same deal…maybe a bit more expensive…and there is food there.  rather than a bloody bowl of nuts and a drink voucher.  By all means continue to support larger comedy gigs and international performers when they are out.  But really.  Look at the bill.  Look at the line up.  Think to yourself in these times of economic hardship…should I spank twice the cost of a regular ticket for something fairly intimate, for the sterile environment of a massive theatre.  Yes im bitter that I haven’t made more money in the past few months…Being injured put paid to me performing.  But I struggle to undertand this economics of big event producers.

For example.  A corporate sponsor will be paying a large amount of money to make this event happen.  What they gives them, is press coverage, posters with their name on it, association with a “cool image” etc.  They pay this money to a promoter who uses his links with the press and media to give them maximum exposure.  This benefits two people.  The promoter and the advertiser.  The comedian, well they dont do as well as you would think out of it…but the ones who suffer most?  The public?

If they corporate advertisers are paying to much money towards the event.  Why are the tickets then twice to three times as expensive as a normal night out?  Where does the sponsorship money go? Where does the ticket sales money go?  I smell a rat here.  Fuck being ripped off people…If you have any interest in Stand Up Comedy.  Go watch it at the small venues putting it on every night and steer clear of corporate sponsored events.  I know of comics doing certain cell network providers gigs…and being BLACKLISTED from even owning a cell-phone….  Doing adverts for car companies and just having had their own car repossessed.  Its mental.

Ironically, I got into comedy so I wouldn’t have to work for Blue Chip companies in the first place….sigh…

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Cape Town is currently running stand up comedy nights all through the week.

Wow.  How times change.

A couple of months ago, there was basically nothing in Cape Town.  A cool enough gig in town on a Monday, and that was about it.

Now we are seeing a rising rush of comedy all over the greater cape.  This is good.  Very good.
Not because the comedy is per se, but due to the fact that it gives us the acts a chance to really lift our game.  Write new material and be performing it regularly enough to be able to actually tweak it.  Ive been out of action for months.  Frankly I wasn’t excited at all to return to the world of Cape Stand Up.  I was doing it I think to make some cash.  Never a good idea.

But this week has seen me doing five different comedy gigs.  Im feeling funny, Im writing new material, and Im getting a chance to show it to a range of audiences, and not just some goofed lighties in Long Street.  (although i do like the goofed lighties all the same)

I will post a list of the gigs currently running shortly.  But first, I need some sushi.

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Nobody has done a worse Afrikaans cover than Jim Reeves. Try work out what he means to say…I challenge you!

When I first heard Jim Reeves’ attempt at “Ek verlang na jou” a few years back…I nearly shat myself with laughter.  I can understand why he did it, and why the promoters behind it were involved.  But surely someone could have guided him through the lyrics sheet a wee bit better.

Jim Reeves was out in South Africa in 1963 to make a local movie called “Kimberley Jim”

According to Wikipedia, he was bigger than Elvis in South Africa in those days.

I present, for your viewing and audio pleasure…..

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